Name Withheld by Request
I want to begin by stating that your opening chapter depicts a well-conceived premise, and it's certainly intelligently written. With this in mind, I always do everything I can to encourage writers who are trying to create publishable material to write as much and as often as possible, with the caveat that crafting a novel that people will pay to read is not easy or quick.
To quantify this, on average, my personal circle of friends and acquaintances who are successful novelists have each written five novels during a 14-year period before their first manuscript was accepted by a major royalty publisher. But if you aren't interested in seeking publication via the Big 6 and Kensington, what follows will not have much relevance and will not be worth your time to read. However, if you will be pursing a major imprint at some point, then please read on.
Your opening chapter provides solid conflict, quickly established, and the storyline is one that clearly makes sense in the current political climate in which we live. Your plot, however, presents several developmental issues that I think you'll need to contend with, and you have a number of syntax problems I feel you would benefit from working on. Please keep in mind that editing is subjective, and often highly so, but I try to focus on that which I have personal experience. And here are my observation:
Your storyline makes all the sense in the world, but the opening is not fresh in the realm of it being a new concept. Instead, it's something we've read or heard many times before in one way or another. The other issue is that mainstream publishers seem to have grown very tired of terrorist-group activities, even if the U.S. and/or our allies come out on top. The events of 9-11 are deep-seated, and if you check submission guidelines with top agents and major publishers, you're going to have a hard time finding many who are seeking this sort of material to either represent or publish. However, if you already possessed a huge following, such as Clive Cussler or Tom Clancy for example, this is a horse of a different color, because an established readership is often more interested in the author and his or her characters than the plot.
To have a serious chance at having a publisher pay for something you write, here are some points you might want to consider:
First is formatting. Use only New Times Roman or Courier fonts, and please make more extended paragraph indentations. One inch is preferred. And by all means use quotation marks to set off dialogue and not whatever it is you sent me. In your defense, the text might've been corrupted by AOL as it was pasted in the body of the e-mail, and if this is the case please ignore my remark. But if AOL didn't contribute to what occurred, please never send a draft to an agent, editor, or publisher with whatever those hash marks happen to be. Leave cute ways of setting off dialogue to the likes of Joyce and Frazier.
You have a tendency to leave participles dangling, or as they are more commonly called, misplaced modifiers, such as what occurred when you have the sprouts going out to sea and not the rays from the light. I noticed misplaced modifiers in several other areas in your first chapter, so you may want to work on developing a clearer understanding of linkage. You might benefit from the section on linkage in Jacques Barzun's SIMPLE & DIRECT.
Be alert to repeated words close to one another. I made a number of revision suggestions on the first 3 pages for which I provided a cursory line edit.
Parentheses patronize the reader, and in my opinion should never be used in fiction. Everyone knows what an AK-47 is, and that it's a popular weapon with bad guys in many settings, so stating this essentially insults the reader.
Use an extra-line break to show a scene shift within a chapter that takes place in the same time frame. You'll see where I used this technique at one juncture in the text I line edited, and it is different from the hard breaks you employed later in the chapter. A line break enables better overall continuity for a chapter when events occur at the same time.
Whenever possible, don't begin sentences with "It was" or "There were." We all do this at times, but it's a sign of lazy writing. You'll see how I revised one sentence you began with It was. You might want to go through your draft and ferret out any other instances in which "It was" or "There were" started a sentence.
Try to write in an active and not a passive voice whenever possible. You'll notice a sentence or two I changed around so this was accomplished. One value of writing in an active voice is that it forces a writer to show rather than tell what is happening; which, among other things, is of great importance from the perspective if pacing.
Don't state the obvious: Their heads broke through the blackness of the sea followed by the rest of their bodies. Could anything else occur if the team was emerging from the water?
And accuracy is important. Could this really happen? …crept out of the water without making a sound. I made a revision by suggesting they emerged from the water in relative silence, since it would be impossible to complete this action without making a sound. And I think emerging from the water might sit better with readers instead of creeping from it, which I also think would be very hard to do, especially since you had originally written …their heads broke through followed by the rest of their bodies…. In and of itself, this action indicates they were already on or near shore.
Say things once: Asad's voice went up a couple of decibels. They will pay for this. No matter how long it takes me, I will get my brothers back alive. He walked a short distance towards the beach and threw the expended flashbangs several yards out to sea. He turned to face Fouad. They came ashore right here. He pointed at some groves and tracks on the beach. Then he screamed in the direction of the sea. You bastards will pay for this! In my revision I dropped the first reference.
It's usually best to explain a character's features when the person is first introduced to the reader, not in later scenes.
And in what you sent me, a new chapter can begin with Imad Yousif's introduction.
Here are the first 3 pages of your draft, for which I provided a cursory line edit, along with the same pages cleaned up so you can compare both narratives. At the very end of everything I'll have some closing ideas for your to consider.
Chapter 1
Their late night meeting was took place in an old, faded-white farmhouse on the coast of Libya, not far from Tobruk. It was a The rectangular building structure was made of concrete and situated at the base of a small hill. The only door to the building was made of constructed of heavy wood and the windows were boarded up shut. An electric power line ran to the house from a single wooden pole. . A lone security lamp ligh atop of the pole it burned bright at the front of the house. Its luminescence shone a glistening path of light across the dried-up dirt that once sprouted up crops, and its rays extended out a short way beyond the shore and into the dark waters of the Mediterrean Mediterranean Sea.
Two guards, each armed with Chinese versions of the vaunted Russian AK-47 assault rifle (the weapon of choice of terrorists), patrolled the area outside area the farmhouse–one moving in a clockwise path around the perimeter of the property while the other walked in the opposite direction.
Inside the building, three of the five senior military commanders of the National Front for the Liberation of Islam, or NFLI as it was commonly referred to, and were seated around an improvised table of plywood table that was supported by four rusteding barrels, were. Several lesser operatives of NFLI lesser stature also sat at the table, along with a number of heavily armed guards inside the building. An open map of Europe lay on the table., and laptops and briefcases were strewn around the room.
Clad in
Two team members moved ahead of the group while the others knelt Kneeling with their M4A1s and MP5s at the ready. , they waited on two team members who had moved ahead of the group.
In the blink of an eye, the one guard walking counter-clockwise went down as the result of a single shot from a subsonic sniper rifle with a sophisticated silencer attached to it. The same fate was delivered to befell the second guard. Not a sound wash No one came to the door, so it was obvious indicating that those inside the building were had not been alerted to what was happening.
A single brief flash of light from two different locations told the waiting group rest of the team the area was clear. They moved closer to the house with a deliberateness and preciseness akin to a military drill team. With stealth and precision, they moved toward the house. When they reached the door, At the only door leading inside the house, two the SEALS readied flashbangs. On a signal from the group commander, they opened the door a few inches and tossed the grenades inside.
After the explosion, the group waited a couple of seconds and threw the door open. the door was thrown open and the team As they charged inside the room. , f Five men went right and the other five went left. , Ggunfire erupted. A few minutes passed as the gunfire subsided. After about five minutes, the group spraying a volley of bullets in every direction in front of them. When the raid was over, the team captured with a half-dozen prisoners, and two laptops along with various documents. The group put the laptops and the documents , the latter placed into waterproof containers. pouches.
The group then paddled drove the boats out to sea for a rendezvous with a submarine - the USS New Hampshire – loaded with an early Christmas gift for Washington and London.
"The Americans did this. I know it," Asad said.
"They killed or captured everyone who was at the meeting. There isn't much we can do now, is there?" Fouad asked.
Asad's voice went up rose a couple of decibels. They will pay for this. "No matter how long it takes me, I will get see the return of my brothers who are still alive." He walked a short distance towards the beach and threw the expended flashbangs several yards out into the sea water. He turned to face Fouad. "They came ashore right here." He pointed at some grooves and tracks on the beach. Then he screamed in the direction of the sea, "You bastards will pay for this!"
Revised Text
Chapter 1
Revised Text
Chapter 1
Their late night meeting place took place in an old, faded-white farmhouse on the coast of Libya, not far from Tobruk. The rectangular structure was made of concrete and situated at the base of a small hill. The only door to the building was constructed of heavy wood and the windows were boarded shut. A power line ran to the house from a single wooden pole. A lone light atop it burned bright at the front of the house. Its luminescence shone a glistening path across the dried-up dirt that once sprouted crops, and its rays extended a short way beyond the shore and into the dark waters of the Mediterranean Sea.
Two guards, each armed with Chinese versions of the vaunted Russian AK-47 assault rifle, patrolled the area outside the farmhouse–one moving clockwise around the perimeter of the property while the other walked in the opposite direction.
Inside the building, three of the five senior military commanders of the National Front for the Liberation of Islam, or NFLI as it was commonly referred to, were seated around an improvised plywood table that was supported by rusted barrels. Several operatives of lesser stature also sat at the table, along with a number of heavily armed guards. An open map of Europe lay on the table, and laptops and briefcases were strewn around the room.
Clad in dark-colored wetsuits, a joint operation composed of U.S. Navy SEALS and members of the British Special Boat Service emerged from the water in relative silence. They pulled two identical rubber boats onto the beach, and two SEALS remained with the crafts as a ten-man team moved towards the farmhouse.
Two team members moved ahead of the group while the others knelt with their M4A1s and MP5s at the ready. In the blink of an eye, one guard went down as the result of a single shot from a sniper rifle with a sophisticated silencer attached to it. The same fate befell the second guard. No one came to the door, indicating that those inside the building had not been alerted to what was happening.
A brief flash of light told the rest of the team the area was clear. With stealth and precision, they moved toward the house. When the reached the door, the SEALS readied flashbangs. On a signal from the group commander, they opened the door and tossed the grenades inside.
After the explosions, the door was thrown open and the team charged inside. Five men went right and the other five went left, spraying a volley of bullets in every direction in front of them. When the raid was over, the team captured a half-dozen men and acquired two laptops and various documents, the latter placed into waterproof pouches.
The group then drove the boats out to sea for a rendezvous with a submarine--the USS New Hampshire--loaded with an early Christmas gift for Washington and London.
. . .
Asad, the leader of the NFLI, emerged from the old farmhouse and stared out to sea. Fouad, his chief lieutenant, along with two bodyguards, followed behind him.
"The Americans did this, I know it," Asad said.
"They killed or captured everyone who was at the meeting. There isn't much we can do now, is there?" Fouad asked.
Asad's voice rose a couple decibels. "No matter how long it takes me, I will see the return of my brothers who are still alive." He walked a short distance toward the beach and threw the expended flashbangs into the water. He turned and faced Fouad. "They came ashore right here." He pointed at some grooves and tracks on the beach. Then he screamed in the direction of the sea, "You bastards will pay for this!"
This was a cursory line edit at best, but it will give you an idea of the way the text can read once the syntax elements I mentioned are given some attention. You might find it beneficial to go to the Articles Page on my Web Site at www.theperfectwrite.com and scroll through the titles. Many of the pieces pertain directly to issues I brought up in my critique--and illustrated via the line edit.
I want to wish you the best of luck with your writing, and if you have any questions about this critique, please feel free to contact me.
Regards,
Robert L. (Rob) Bacon, Founder
The Perfect Write®
For authors, The Perfect Write® is now providing
Post your query to mailto:theperfectwrite@aol.com(no attachments) and visit the Sample Letters Page for examples of successful query letters.
The Perfect Write® offers comprehensive editing services, from manuscript critiques to complete revisions, including line-editing, along with query letter design and composition. For pricing, send your project requirements to mailto:theperfectwrite@aol.com
For business applications, The Perfect Write® also offers advanced services, from designing sophisticated sell sheets to crafting investor-appealing business plans for start-up enterprises. For a customized quote, please send your detailed project requirements to mailto:theperfectwrite@aol.com
No comments:
Post a Comment