Love Thy Neighbor by Maureen C. Opening Critique by Robert L. Bacon

Hello Maureen,

As I said in my short e-mail message,you should be very proud of your writing. You are telling a wonderful story in a full and compassionate manner that readers will embrace.  Every editor will have his or her nitpicking (sic, niggling) ideas.  Here, however, is one thing I'm going to suggest that most editors would agree upon if your narrative is written in the same manner as the opening chapter, and this is to Show
the story and not Tell it (I always capitalize the words, they are so important). 

I'm fascinated by Jeff, but to make him and his story come alive, the reader needs
to feel what he and those around him are going through--and not be told what has happened.  Because of time, I can't revise more than a short section of your draft in
a Show environment, but I'll do the opening long paragraph so you can get an idea of what I'm suggesting.  And, yes, a revision will likely involve more work than the four months it required for you to write your initial draft, but when you finish I think you'll have something quite special.  (My last novel required four months to write yet over a year of revisions before it was ready to be sent to agents, a timeline which is not at all uncommon.) 

Also, please go to the Articles Page on my Web site at www.theperfectwrite.com.  It's one of the green links on the right side of the page.  Scroll through the topics until you find the two I've published that deal specifically with Showing vs. Telling, as I think you might find each be of some benefit.

Please keep in mind that the setup I'm crafting from your narrative could be written in an as many ways as there are stars in the sky.  My feeble offering is just one idea for writing your opening in a Showing medium.  And if I can make one other point, it's that readers (and agents, editors, and publishers) like short paragraphs, and Showing action quite often enables this to occur as a natural function of writing in this manner.  Regardless, don't be shy about breaking up paragraphs.

Here now is your original opening chapter Telling the action, followed by one quickly written idea of Showing the opening scene. Your entire original opening chapter can
be viewed after this material.

Telling the Action 

                                                       Chapter 1

Dr. Sylvia Banes handled the records and recalled when she had first met Jeff Green; he was just ten years old and at the time and was living in Broadmere, a residential school for children with emotional problems. His files informed her that he hadn’t spoken for two years; he avoided all eye contact and would only look at his feet.  His body language shouted avoidance, and he seemed to be trying to be invisible.  Always alone, constantly set apart from others, never watching TV or in groups of children his own age. However, this strangely withdrawn child was an exceptionally good student. He excelled at things that other children in his age group were struggling with. He listened though, rarely gave any indication that he understood or accepted what was being said, but he heard it. That was evident with his school work, he sat silently day in and day out doing what the other children were doing and to everyone’s surprise his work was correct.

Showing the Action

                                                     Chapter 1

            Dr. Sylvia Banes opened the first file in the stack she was holding on her lap.  Jeff Green's name was on it, and as she shuffled some of the forms, she looked up from the paperwork and took in the ten-year-old's physiognomy.  Usually she'd be concerned about making initial eye contact with a child at Broadmere for the first
time, and the person becoming more uncomfortable.  But Jeff would present no such problem, since he stared at his feet, and even when Sylvia said his name did not raise his head to look at her.

            Jeff Green was 5-feet tall, and of normal weight for a child his age, but he was so scrunched up in the supple couch on which he was sitting that he seemed half his size.  His breathing was almost imperceptible.  And with his shoes pointed inward, his arms and hands tucked within each other and pressed tight against his chest, and neck pushed well below his shoulders, Jeff appeared as though he were trying to crawl inside himself and render his salient features invisible.

            "I see you're a very good student, Jeffrey," Sylvia said in a tone that was neither pejorative nor complacent, just honest.  She hadn't expected him to respond, and she continued, "You have demonstrated exceptional abilities to comprehend things all by yourself.  This isn't easy, and not many people can do it."  

            She was looking at him as she spoke, but again there was no outward reaction from the boy.  However, Sylvia noticed a brief halt in his shallow breathing pattern when she mentioned he was able to pick up knowledge on his own, and she made a note of this in his file.

            She read more of the material in the folder, then smiled and turned to face Jeff.  She could see he hadn't recognized anything she was doing, since his attention remained fixed on his feet.  "Now that I've explored further, I realize that you're more than a good student.  I have a letter here that says your school work is almost always perfect."
            His respiration changed once more, this time for a half-breath's worth.  She didn't think he was still anywhere near ready to speak, and she would be correct.  But the alteration in his breathing, while modest, was the indicator she needed.  This gave her confidence she could develop a treatment plan that would enable him to shed his insecurities and enjoy the world and the people in it.  And most important, respect himself.

Complete Original Opening Chapter 

   
                                                        Chapter 1 

Dr. Sylvia Banes handled the records and recalled when she had first met Jeff Green; he was just ten years old and at the time and was living in Broadmere, a residential school for children with emotional problems. His files informed her that he hadn’t spoken for two years; he avoided all eye contact and would only look at his feet.  His body language shouted avoidance, and he seemed to be trying to be invisible.  Always alone, constantly set apart from others, never watching TV or in groups of children his own age. However, this strangely withdrawn child was an exceptionally good student. He excelled at things that other children in his age group were struggling with. He listened though, rarely gave any indication that he understood or accepted what was being said, but he heard it. That was evident with his school work, he sat silently day in and day out doing what the other children were doing and to everyone’s surprise his work was correct.

Only one teacher was able to reach through his shrouded mind and discovered that he had an interest in computers. Alan Prince was on the verge of retiring after 32 years of teaching. He loved to teach those who were eager to learn; he took pride in what he was able to instill in them.  That particular day Prince had been tinkering with the class computer when this boy had wandered over to watch. Within the first few minutes Prince deduced he was not going to get any conversation from the boy but he also saw that he was taking everything in. Prince talked nonstop explaining every single thing he was doing. Ignoring the silence Prince talked through ninety minutes of computer cleaning and updating; he explained his every movement.  At one point Prince asked the boy if he had ever used a computer, looking away and then down to his feet he took that to be a negative. Step by step Prince explained how to turn on and boot up a computer, he showed how to connect to the Internet and how to do a search.  Shutting the machine down Prince stood and offering his chair he told the boy to boot up and do a search for ‘conversation’. With only the slightest hesitation the boy sat at the computer; booted up and did his search. When he got the answer to his query he turned to Prince and indicated by pointing that he was done.

“A conversation is communication between multiple people. It is a social skill that is not difficult for most individuals [citation needed]. Conversations are the ideal form of communication in some respects, since they allow people with different views on a topic to learn from each other. A speech, on the other hand, is an oral presentation by one person directed at a group. For a successful conversation, the partners must achieve a workable balance of contributions. A successful conversation includes mutually interesting connections between the speakers or things that the speakers know. For this to happen, those engaging in conversation must find a topic on which they both can relate to in some sense. Those engaging in conversation naturally tend to relate the other speaker's statements to themselves. They may insert aspects of their lives into their replies, to relate to the other person's opinions or points of conversation.

Conversation is indispensable for the successful accomplishment of almost all activities between people, especially the coordination of work, the formation of friendship and for learning.”

Prince was pleased and patted him on the shoulder, pointing at the screen he suggested that the piece of information become a goal for him, he must find some way to bring conversation into his life.

            It took two years for Dr. Sylvia Banes to gain enough trust for him to be relaxed in her company. Asking questions had never gained her any insight so she stopped; instead of questions she began explaining psychology, how the mind closes down to protect itself from people, things or situations.  She would have books available, with bookmarked pages that she went over with him; each section would encourage speech as an important form of recovery. He was twelve when she lost her cool calm façade and in frustration asked if he actually wanted to change from the way he was and become responsible for his own life. In an almost inaudible whisper he said “yes”.

            She had been stunned but covered it quickly and continued as if had been normal for him to speak. Over the next couple of months he had spoken but without much animation; he used a flat monotone sound. Just before his thirteenth birthday he began talking to her, freely and without being prompted; he began describing what it had been like to live in his home. Speech wasn’t easy for him, he hesitated often as if not sure what he should and shouldn’t say but little by little over the next few years he became much more animated. As he became used to talking he began to enjoy his twice weekly sessions. She was the only person he spoke with; he still wasn’t comfortable with others. Once away from Dr. Banes Jeff reverted back to being silent though he would look at people when they spoke to him.  That was an improvement but he still had a long way to go. Despite the talking Sylvia Banes still had the feeling that there was something he was holding back. She felt that with time he would share enough to have brought everything out and he would then move forward by leaps and bounds.

He was just fifteen when his mother passed away; her last weeks were painful and Jeff spent as much time as possible sitting beside her. Whenever she opened her eyes he would smile. There was grief was in his eyes but she never saw it on his lips. Her cancer was swift and she lost her battle after a year. It was exceptionally hard on Jeff.  Dr. Banes had been afraid this would set him back but he grieved without reverting to his former ways. The very next Broadmere review of Jeff established him as being ready to try the outside world again. His aunt had agreed that he would be living with them. Despite Jeff resisting the idea he was picked up by his aunt and uncle and taken to their home. 

_____________________________________________________________

Robert L. Bacon, Founder

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