Monday, December 27, 2010

The Request, Critique by Robert L. Bacon

1st Chapter Critique by Robert L. Bacon
December 2, 2010

Hello Rosane,

Overall, the writing of this opening chapter is quite good.  Your story has delightful characters in Camilla and Cael, and the concept for the storyline is rock solid.  And while the lead characters and storyline are elements that are crucial for a novel to work, here are the issues I noticed that you might want to take a look at:

1)  I realize that due to the constant revisions all writing goes through that it's easy for material to become out of sequence, and there are a few sections in this first chapter that I think could benefit if they were collated differently.  You'll notice the way I moved around the material on the first page, and you can decide if this improves the fluency of the narrative.  If you agree that it does, then you might want to go though your entire draft and see if you can smooth it out accordingly.

2)  You've got a very long opening chapter (more on this later), and it appears that it might be even more expansive (since you followed my 5000-word guideline but the narrative still hadn't ended).  Long chapters are very hard on the reader, especially at the ages of those who read YA material, since generally it seems that the younger the reader the shorter the attention span.  I strongly recommend breaking up this chapter and trying to keep it and all of your chapters in the 1500 to 2500-word range.  And if I had to make a choice between the two, I'd lean more toward the 1500-word level.

3)  For the most part the punctuation is fine, but there is a tendency to overuse commas.  Please look at the syntax in which I deleted commas in my line edit.  Also, be on the alert to repeated words and their derivatives that are too close to one another ("reveal" twice in the second paragraph, for example).

4)  The pacing seemed to really lag at the point of the dream being questioned by Cael, and in some other areas too.  I think this first chapter could be trimmed substantially without diminishing the integrity of the plot elements.  There's a lot of dialogue and byplay that doesn’t move the story along.  To quantify this point, one-fourth to one-third of the narrative could be cut, regardless of how you broke up the chapter, should you take my earlier advice and do this.  You can get some ideas of where to trim material as you parse what I deleted.  If you work through the text in the same manner, the chapter would likely be in the 3500-word range, and much tighter all the way around.  And the entire chapter could still be broken into at least two segments.

5)  This line--A long time ago, two siblings were entrusted with a secret capable of changing the world’s fate--tells the reader too much of what is about to occur.  It's sort of like a one-sentence prologue, and for this reason I would drop it.

Here are your first three pages for which I provided a cursory line-edit, followed by the same three pages without the annotations but that also include--in addition to the collating of material on the first page--some developmental ideas to enhance the rhythm of the narrative:
______________________________________________________________


                              CHAPTER ONE:  THE REQUEST
 
A long time ago, two siblings were entrusted with a secret capable of changing the world’s fate.   These were the dark times when the Night tried to dominate the earth in the figure of the hideous Ingeborg. The few rays of the sun that still appeared were viewed as rebels by this creature that wanted to become the absolute ruler. The only one with any influence on the Night was the Moon, who, despite fighting for freedom, was imprisoned and condemned to live mainly in the dark.      
The Sun, King of the Day, and the Moon, his companion of Light, noticed that the wicked Night was trying to transform the bright, happy, warm world into something dark, lifeless and cold. To try to stop this evil plan, they resorted to one last resource. In a desperate attempt, They decided to reveal the First to the world the secret of First, the very first of all gods, their mentor. This secret should have remained kept away hidden from the curious and fickle eyes of men, but driven by circumstance, and despite all the changes its disclosure could bring, they needed to reveal divulge its existence.                                       
Finally, on a cold night, just as many other nights The nights seemed to be growing longer and longer, and they were tired of fighting alone to maintain the balance of the power. and understood that the time had come.  For a long time, they had tried to become noticed heard by one special person who lived in a small house in the middle of a distant forest. Unfortunately, this person didn’t listen to their requests for help. They made many frustrated attempts, and then the Gods, tired of this person’s deafness ear, decided to take drastic measures.
Worlds away from the realm of the Gods, in a humble house, beside a river, and hidden among the trees, lived the mystical siblings, Camilla and Cael Bexk. They were two very different dissimilar  people, who loved each other deeply, learning and had learned how to live quite well together despite their differences.
That night, tired and cold after a long day in the forest, the Bexk siblings retired to their small house. After living in that place so long, they had already gotten used to the harsh winter.  After dinner, they rested beside the warm fire and prepared for another night of bone-chilling cold, but then when they noticed something strange. As soon as the moon had appeared in the sky, the cold yielded to lovely warmth, as if the cold that night had lost its strength or had decided to spare them. From her bed, the older of the two, Camilla, looked around. The night continued outside with no noise to denote anything unordinary. Even the horses were quiet in the small stable behind the house. However, the strange warmth remained intense as if the whole forest was burning. She became worried, and called to her brother.
“It seems the house is burning, Cael. Get up and check what’s happening outside. Why is it so hot?”
“I won’t. You go!” He turned over in the bed.
“Cael!”
“Okay! Yikes! Why always me?”
“Hey, brother. Don’t complain. Go! After all, aren’t you the man of the house?”
Bad humored  After having to leave leaving his warm bed, and shaking from fear about because of having to go outside by himself after dark, he looked around. Everything seemed normal. Trying not to make any noise, he walked up to the border of the forest. His heart beat fast, but he saw nothing. Ready to go back after not seeing anything abnormal, he heard a voice, barely louder than a whisper.                   
 “Cael.”   
He looked around, searching for the person who said it. He saw nothing no one, and knowing that knew only he and Camilla lived there, so he believed it must have been her, trying to scare him.
 He didn’t like the joke, and yelled, “Stop it, Camilla!” He became more nervous when only silence answered. He listened for a few minutes. Not hearing anything else and being satisfied that all was well, he turned back for the house.
 Cael!” called the voice again. 
Frightened, He shrieked and rapidly covered his mouth to muffle the sound and rushed back to the house. He really didn’t like her teasing at all.                     
“I have already told you to stop it,” he said when he saw Camilla standing in the front door. 
“But I didn’t do anything,” she answered, finding this strange. Noticing her brother lingered outside, She walked farther outside and joined him in the dark.   
“So, calling people at night, in the dark, to scare them, is nothing?”
She looked at her brother oddly. “But I haven’t called you! What’s up? Are you hearing voices?”
Breaking  In the silence that followed, when not even the call of a night bird was heard, he heard the voice again calling his name“Cael!
_________________________________________________________
     
                           CHAPTER ONE:  THE REQUEST

These were the dark times when the Night tried to dominate the earth in the figure of the hideous Ingeborg.  The few rays of the sun that still appeared were viewed as rebels by this creature that wanted to become the absolute ruler.
The Sun, King of the Day, and the Moon, his companion of Light, noticed that the wicked Night was trying to transform the bright, happy, warm world into something dark, lifeless, and cold.  But the only one with any influence on the Night was the Moon, who, despite fighting for freedom, was imprisoned and condemned to live mainly in the dark.      
To try to stop the Night's evil plan, the Sun and the Moon resorted to one last resource.  They decided to reveal the First to the world, the very first of all gods, their mentor. This secret should have remained hidden from the curious and fickle eyes of men, but they were tired of fighting alone to maintain the balance of power.  So, driven by circumstance, and despite all the changes the First's disclosure could bring, they needed to divulge its existence.
For a long time, they had tried to become heard by one special person who lived in a small house in the middle of a distant forest. Unfortunately, this person didn’t listen to their requests for help. Many frustrated attempts were made before the gods became weary of this person’s deaf ear and decided to take drastic measures.
Worlds away from the realm of the gods, in a humble house beside a river and hidden among the trees, lived the mystical siblings, Camilla and Cael Bexk. They were two very dissimilar people, but who loved each other deeply and had learned to live quite well together despite their differences.
Late one afternoon, tired and cold after a long day in the forest, the Bexk siblings retired to their small house. After dinner, they prepared for another night of bone-chilling cold, when they noticed something strange. As soon as the moon had appeared in the sky, the cold yielded to lovely warmth, as if the cold had lost its strength or decided to spare them. From her bed, the older of the two, Camilla, looked around. The night continued outside with no noise to denote anything unordinary. Even the horses were quiet in the small stable behind the house. However, the strange warmth remained. She became worried, and called to her brother.
“It seems the house is burning, Cael. Get up and check what’s happening outside. Why is it so hot?”
“I won’t. You go!” He turned over in the bed.
“Cael!”
“Okay! Yikes! Why always me?”
“Hey, brother. Don’t complain. Go! After all, aren’t you the man of the house?”
After leaving his warm bed, and shaking from fear because of having to go outside by himself after dark, he looked around. Everything seemed normal. Trying not to make any noise, he walked up to the border of the forest. His heart beat fast, but he saw nothing. Ready to go back, he heard a voice, barely louder than a whisper.
“Cael,” the voice then clearly called out to him.   
He looked around, searching for the person who'd said it. He saw no one, and knowing that only he and Camilla lived in the area, he believed it was she who was trying to scare him.
 He didn’t like the joke, and yelled, “Stop it, Camilla!” He became more nervous when only silence answered. He listened for a few minutes. Not hearing anything else and being satisfied that all was well, he turned back for the house.
He hadn't gotten far when the voice called out again, "Cael!”   
He shrieked and covered his mouth to muffle the sound and rushed back to the house.                     
“I told you to stop it,” he said when he reached Camilla standing at the front door. 
“But I didn’t do anything,” she answered, finding his remark strange. She walked farther outside and joined him in the dark.   
“So calling people at night in the dark to scare them is nothing?”
She gave her brother an odd look. “But I haven’t called you! What’s up? Are you hearing voices?”
Breaking the silence that followed, he heard the voice again calling his name.
Frightened, he jumped, screamed, and—poof—transformed himself into a mouse that ran toward Camilla’s feet. 
______________________________________________________

Robert L. Bacon
theperfectwrite.com

For authors, The Perfect Write® is now providing
FREE QUERY LETTER REVIEW AND ANALYSIS.
Post your query to mailto:theperfectwrite@aol.com(no attachments) and visit the Sample Letters Page for examples of successful query letters.

The Perfect Write® offers comprehensive editing services, from manuscript critiques to complete revisions, including line-editing, along with query letter design and composition. For pricing, send your project requirements to mailto:theperfectwrite@aol.com

For business applications, The Perfect Write® also offers advanced services, from designing sophisticated sell sheets to crafting investor-appealing business plans for start-up enterprises. For a customized quote, please send your detailed project requirements to mailto:theperfectwrite@aol.com

Monday, December 13, 2010

Love in the Middle of an Earthquake
Critique by Robert L. Bacon

Love in the Middle of an Earthquake
1st Chapter Critique by Robert L. Bacon
November 11, 2010

Author's Name Withheld by Request

From a line-editing perspective, I offered some of the usual tomato/tamato silliness that is the currency of anyone who edits, such as my preferring "pervaded" over "invaded."  However, there were a number of changes I suggested because of repeated words, such as "vulnerable," and instances of "but" too close to one another.

I noticed in two areas of the narrative an action that I don't think could either happen or was what you were intending.  In the first scenario, you had "magazines soliciting subscribers," which I suggested a change to "magazine outfits soliciting subscribers"; and in the second case, I don't think Gloria heard the paperboy tossing the Sun Post at the door, but the Sun Post itself was what she heard hitting the door.  So I offered another way to phrase this too.  I also found what I thought were a couple of redundant thoughts and suggested deletions of what I deemed superfluous.  There has been a movement afoot for some time to drop the comma in front of "too" or "also" when either ends a sentence, and I did this in your draft; but you can certainly change this back if you like this element of grammar the way all of us were taught.

In another area, you might want to consider my reason for making Gloria's exercise regimen weeks and not days, as well as Mickey's follow-up chronology.  You'll see my suggestions for both when you read what I provided.  In another section of the draft, the reason I wrote Mickey's brief intro as I did was because I thought this would make him more endearing to the reader.  People are going to have to like this character, and the sooner you can show his softer, caring side, the better.  My words are just a suggestion, but I'd offer the reader something that illustrates he really isn't the same guy Gloria knew in her youth, and give her something to think about that's not still tied to her provocative remembrances of their dating, which by all accounts was not cerebral.  (Whose was at that age, but you get my point.)

….., everything up to this point in my critique is minor compared to what I'm going to bring up now.  If your story is sort of a memoir, and you want accuracy at all costs, then by all means write it your way.  But if it's not a personal history, and you plan on trying to find a respected royalty publisher, laborious references in a novel to illness and death are not something the public is going to pay to read.

The loss of any loved one is agonizing, and all of us want to give that person's legacy as much of our heartfelt respect as we can.  But the person is our loved one, not the general public's.  Consequently, a little pathos goes a long, long way.  Only you can make the decision about what Gloria tells the reader regarding her husband and his last few years.  If it’s a memoir, write everything out, but if not, I'd stick to saying Gloria's husband was a virile, loving man who passed much too soon in life, and leave it at that.  No one wants to read about fouled undergarments, oxygen tanks, etc.  It drags people down and they'll put down the book.  This goes for Lolly too.  I'd tell Mickey to go easy on her because she's got cancer, and leave it at that.  The mere fact that he would call her, and she would tell you how much it meant for a big jock like Mickey to talk with her at this stage of her life, will leave a strong, positive impression on the reader.

In closing, I want to wish you the best of luck with this story, and here is your prologue and first chapter with my editing suggestions:


 LOVE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EARTHQUAKE


PROLOGUE

Forty years after our first kiss, he called.
            It was a quiet, rainy Sunday evening in South Florida. In the background I could hear Humphrey Bogart tell Peter Lorre to “Play it again, Sam” on the PBS network’s semi-annual rerun of  “Casablanca.”
I was too busy to watch the movie, as I sat at the computer writing the greatest story ever told (excuse me, Old Testament) when the phone rang. I scanned the ID…the number had a “228” area code. Where had I seen that area code before?  I closed my eyes for a moment and focused. The image of glitzy ads that The Palace Casino Resort, in Biloxi, Mississippi, was running in my hometown newspaper appeared.  “228,” was the local area code for hotel reservations. Since Hurricane Katrina, the Gulf Coast casinos were offering tempting vacation packages to lure tourists and gamblers back to Mississippi.
But the name next to the number read M Green. That was, coincidentally, the first initial and the surname of my first boyfriend. But what was Mickey doing in Mississippi? And how did he find me?
The last time I had heard about my first boyfriend him, he had enlisted in the navy after an unsuccessful year at Mohawk University in upstate New York. Mickey had been a handsome jock – the hero and captain of the soccer team – at a high school where a practically unknown sport reigned as king. That was because it was the only team that had ever won a city-wide championship for our school.
  I had been a nerdy, aloof sophomore with broad academic inclinations and a well-developed body at a young age. But when that olive-skinned athlete, a senior with dark brown eyes and a wide smile, looked my way and winked, I couldn’t resist.  Saturday after Saturday he scored the winning goal and was carried across the field on the shoulders of his teammates, his hair blowing in the wind , on the shoulders of his teammates while the crowd cheered. And he had chosen to date me.
That was in 1960’s, when both of us had racing raging hormones that threatened to get out of control.  But an invisible STOP stop sign engraved on our bodies and souls by our ever-vigilant mothers put an end to those any of the ultimate bodily carnal pleasures even before they began. But it Yet this did not stop prevent us from holding hands in the park, smooching in the back row of the local movie theater, forbidden soul kisses some petting, and fabulous imaginations.
I picked up the phone expecting a glib sales pitch for a weekend at the casino in Biloxi. Perhaps they were offering three nights for the price of two…or free airfare.
           “Hello, is this Gloria Simon?”
            “Yes…”
“You’ve still got that sexy voice, forty years later.”
“Who is this?”
“Mickey Green, remember me?
 I detected a tiny, familiar lisp. It was still there.
“Mickey Green, Mickey Green, how could I forget? How are you?”
“Good now. Had some issues with cancer, but I’m in remission now.”
“I’m glad. What are you doing in Mississippi?”
“Biloxi, to be exact. I live here now. Made a ton of money in the cleaning business in Atlanta, but I hated it.  I’m retired and like to gamble, so living at a suite at the casino suits me fine. Used to live in Atlanta.”
“Heard you married after the Navy and that’s where the trail ended.”
“Separated, two daughters; one divorced, one granddaughter. I went back to college after the navy service and, believe it or not, this jock became an engineer!”
“You were never dumb.”
“Thanks.”
The conversation went on and on. I told him about my two children and four grandchildren. I told him about my life up north, our move to Florida, publishing a few articles that came with a by-line.  He remembered me playing gin rummy with his father in their apartment in Brooklyn. And I thought I had a good memory! I never told him that my doctor husband had early Alzheimer’s and, in the past few years life had grown lonelier and lonelier even before he died.
“Can you fly over to Biloxi? I’d love to meet you again.” he said. “I’ll pay for the ticket.”
“Maybe for a night or so, but I can buy my own ticket, that’s if you teach me how to gamble.”
“Sure, why not. I’ll even treat you to the first $100 worth of chips.”
“Why would you want me to come? Maybe I’ve grown old and ugly.”
 “Frankly, someone we both know told me you’ve grown older, but still look pretty good. That’s how I got your phone number.”
“I’d love to know who it was.”
“It doesn’t matter. Let’s just say that she’s still a sharp-looking redhead, and that I’d like to see you for old times sake. Those were the best years of our lives.”
Those had been good years, although I wasn’t sure that they were the best. I needed desperately to get away – to distance myself from my own problems - yet I wanted to know more about my old boyfriend before I made such a radical decision. But how do you begin to ask questions?
“Mickey, did you ever play soccer again after high school?”
“A little when I dropped out of college. I got $25.00 per game playing for the New York Soccer League. It was $25 more than I had in my pocket at the time.”
“So much has happened to us both.”
“So, will you come to Biloxi?”
“I’m curious, and I admit that I’m tempted. Let’s stay in touch for a while, first.”
And that’s how the relationship began.



 CHAPTER I

             It was not quite daybreak when thunder and lightening rattled the windows and torrents of rain fell the morning after Mickey called me. There’d be no tennis game today, so I shut off the radio alarm and crawled back into bed. I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking of those coming of age days, the parties after the Saturday high school home games, Plum Beach in his father’s big Buick, watching the moon’s reflection on the murky waters, and the thrill of being caressed by a handsome young man.
When day broke, I bolted out of bed to block out this mature woman’s insane feelings of adolescence. I had been in love several times until I married and hadn’t thought about old boyfriends in years. I was beginning to enjoy my newfound freedom as a widow, but hadn’t grown accustomed to being alone.
There were no more medicine bottles all over the house. The oxygen tanks had been picked up by the medical equipment rental company weeks ago earlier, and the sheets and pillowcases on the other side of the bed now stayed clean. There was no more messy underwear to wash. After five years of caring for my once vital and adoring husband, life had not only been banished from the house, but so had love.
It was too early to vacuum and wake up my downstairs' neighbor, so I turned on my PC. There was the usual pile of electronic messages automatically sent over the weekend by insurance companies and automobile dealers, magazines outfits soliciting subscribers, and mail order catalogues selling sexy underwear or gimmicky kitchen gadgets. Most were destined for deletion before being read.  What I really needed was a warm message from a friend. One e-mail address had possibilities, but I couldn’t really tell who the sender was. I hadn’t had my caffeine fix and my brain was still sluggish. It read:

From:  Pap
To: Globaby
Dear Gloria:
It was great talking to you and reminiscing about our “coming of age” together. You were younger, more innocent, but yet smarter than me then. But I went off to the navy and learned a lot… different things than what you learned a few years later at college and fraternity parties I bet.  Somewhere I’m sure we caught up to each other. Girls, as I remember, mature earlier. Anyway, I’d like to know more about you. I’ve got time. Do you?
I know that we’re older now, - so I’m sure we’ve both had lots of experiences – some good, some not so good; some happy, others sad. so we should have a lot to share. I don’t always remember what happened yesterday, but I never forgot those wonderful young years. I can still picture the way you looked and walked and attracted lots of boys. But I was your king of the hill, at least for a little while. What do you say, will you write?

With LOL, Mickey

How silly, I thought, to start corresponding with someone I hadn’t seen in forty years! But Then again, it might be fun.
I heard the paperboy toss the Sun Post Sun Post as the paperboy tossed it against the front door. It was my signal to close the computer and proceed into the kitchen to brew some coffee. As the smell of Haitian coffee blend invaded pervaded the apartment, I went to the bathroom, took the pins out of my hair, ran a comb through its tangles and proceeded to open the front door. You never knew who else might be taking in their newspaper this early.
With a mug of coffee in one hand and a pen in the other, I turned my attention to my brain-fitness exercises. Each morning while I ate my breakfast and drank my coffee I did the crossword puzzle. Today’s started off easy until I got to 18 Across: A drugged drink… Then, to my surprise, I got it… MICKEY FINN! Never saw that expression in the daily crossword and I’ve been doing them for years.
Taking my Best Grandma coffee mug to my desk, I turned on to my PC again, opened my e-mail, and compose:
From: Globaby
To: Pap
A little bit of trivia that I thought you would appreciate.
Hey, Thought you’d like to know that you made it into this morning’s crossword puzzle in our local paper. The definition of 21 across was drugged drunk…sorry I meant drugged drink. And I finally got it right away…Mickey Finn. Had to tell you.
Never saw them ask for a word that means "great in Christian worship." The answer would have been GLORIA.
Don’t even know if you like word games. I don’t remember you being a book lover either.
Regards, Gloria

[Editor's Note:  I alluded to material from the second chapter in my critique, but after numerous attempts to post this chapter also, the text was corrupted and I was unable to correct this.  I am very sorry.]