Sunday, March 6, 2011

Memorandum of Arrangement
by Paul F.
Opening-Chapter Critique
by Robert L. Bacon

Hello Paul,                                                                                         Page 1 of 2

Thank you very much for the kind words regarding my Newsletter.  I work hard to provide what I hope is credible information from which author's can find some benefit.  Now for my critique of your opening chapter.

First and foremost, your story sets up quite well, and as I read through the first chapter I was taken by the solid plot behind MEMORANDUM OF ARRANGEMENT.  I feel you've created a terrific storyline, and you've done a commendable job of motivating the reader to want to learn more about what has caused Jaidev Da Costo to be murdered, as well as how all the characters fit in.  Of greatest significance perhaps, Baldev comes across as the sort of character readers can get behind and root for as the story develops.  And you've crafted a perfect foil via his sister.  I'm also impressed with way you developed the intrigue surrounding Jaidev Da Costa as a businessman

The draft of the opening chapter you sent me, however, does have some issues, and here they are:

Some scenes need to be collated differently.  For example:  …A number of weeks prior to his death, Jaidev had given Baldev brief details of certain other business arrangements….  This should be expressed when you are first telling the reader about Baldev after his father's death.  Instead, you depict him as learning the business while knowing nothing whatsoever about his father's dual life.  He is not ignorant that something is not right with whatever it is his father is involved with, and learning the day-to-day operations are secondary to the critical information he is aware of, especially since one wrong move on his part and he can end up like his father.

On  page 14 you inform the reader that Sajani is part of the "organization."  Let her tell Baldev about this in the later scene and not by you giving the reader the information ahead of time.

I noticed one serious transitioning issue:  …'Remember Sajani our father was taking instructions from his brother-in-law, our Uncle, this is why the strange document ‘Memorandum of arrangement’ was brought out….  The reader knows nothing about the memorandum until this mention.  This scene needs to be changed so the plot element is transitioned smoothly for the reader.  (Also, among other things, this sentence needs to be punctuated differently).

There also must be proper story continuity:  …'Understand this Sajani if you are into illegal activities, which I can't believe my father was, you will get no help from me…. This timeline doesn’t fit, because it's obvious to the reader that Baldev's father was up to his eyeballs in illegal activity, and you've established this by innuendo when Baldev and his father met weeks earlier.  (This sentence also has all sort of problems with punctuation, and a misplaced modifier.)

Memorandum of Arrangement                                                              Page 2 of 2
by Paul F.
Opening-Chapter Critique
by Robert L. Bacon

I noticed a substantial number of punctuation issues in the text of this first chapter, but specifically the lack of commas in necessary locations, and I think your writing style would benefit from shorter sentences, especially since your syntax lends itself to a more Heminway-ish structure.  It won't take much to accomplish this, and I feel this would result in a more fluent narrative all the way around.  And a note on semi colons:  they are a great tool, but unless used judiciously they tend to slow the flow of sentences, which is never a good idea.  My suggestion is to use a period instead and start a new sentence.  Hence, once again, emulating Hemingway's crisp style.

Always provide a draft for editing with standard text alignment and never justified margins.

I spotted a lot of repeated words too close to one another, such as "additionally."  I made several revision suggestions with respect to this element on the three pages for which I provided a cursory line-edit.  Please look at this closely, as repeated words hinder the quality of any good read.

This also applies to repletion via phrases that say the same thing.  Again, you can refer to the opening three pages I worked on to see the changes I suggested.  I noticed this line later on …however his bearing was impressive, he had a certain aura….  The second phrase doesn’t amplify but repeats the meaning of the first.  Please be on the lookout for these occurrences.  Saying something once is almost always enough.

Don't use phrases such as "the fact that."  State the fact, don't tell the reader it is one.

What follows are the three pages I line edited, along with the same three pages in a "clean" format for easy comparison.  What I offered are simply suggestions to accept or refute.  But read your initial draft out loud, then the revised text, and see if the modifications don't improve the fluency of the prose. 

If you're considering approaching a major royalty publisher with this novel, I think you will have a much better shot at landing one if you work with a developmental editor and have your material line edited as well.  You can evaluate the benefit of line editing when you read what is to follow.

Paul, to reiterate what I said in the opening, I very much enjoyed your setup, and I think you've created an intriguing cast of characters that readers will enjoy following throughout your story.  Bravo all the way around on this good work!

Chapter One

Jaidev Da Costa was a big man, he towered above all. It was but not just due to his height. Because he was also ample around the girth as well., he always looked larger than he really was. Additionally, since he always wore oversized white kurta's, always white. He stood out, wherever he went; his presence could not be mistaken wherever he went.
   The white kurta contrasted with his olive skin and slicked black hair, which was always in never out of place, oiled and shiny just like Clark Gable's in his 1930's films. he additionally always had Another of Jaidev's traits was that he always could be found with a cigar.
   He could be seen on most days precisely at ten each morning, standing at Batuk Dua's roadside stall, sipping a large iced coffee.
   Of course you may wonder why he would go to Batuk's for his coffee, when the hotel opposite him, with its two bars, three restaurants and cake shop, all served iced coffee.  These were Iced coffee was most certainly available to him across the street, after all he was the manager, in fact since he was not only the manager but also the owner of 'The Goa Panaji International'.
                 
Jaidev Da Costa had been having a coffee at Batuk's for as long as anyone could remember, you may also ask,.  But why iced coffee,? Surely in Goa, India, there would have been  more exotic local refreshments, which of course it does have.
Jaidev preferred iced coffee, because his grandfather had introduced him to the refreshment it many years before, when he was a young man. From that day on his first exposure to it, the drink had had been his ritual. Batuk Dua's stall had started making iced coffee at that very time the same day when Jaidev had asked for it. if he served iced coffee, which he didn't, however the following day, iced coffee was available.
    Jaidev appreciated ingenuity and as his Batuk Dua's dictum was that if the customer wantsed it something, we he will would supply it. Jaidev appreciated Batuk's spirit for enterprise, and from that day on he had his morning coffee only at his stand.
    Now The locals referred to Jaidev locally was referred to as 'The Miramar Mountain', not just obviously because of his size and the fact that but due to his hotel's location on Miramar Beach, However, not that many locals townsfolk referred to the stretch of sand as such by the same name, as most called it by its original name Gasper Diaz, named the original handle given by the explorer Vasco Da Gama. Jaidev preferred Miramar, when translated from the Portuguese was meant '"view of the sea."' This translation extended to all the promotional material and advertising of for The Goa Panaji International'. The buy line slogan was, "Located on Miramar Beach, all rooms have a view of the Arabian Sea, enjoy your stay'.
   On this particular morning Jaidev was not in his usual jovial frame of mind, Batuk had noted such when he arrived for his coffee,. he Jaidev was quite gruff, didn't he even speak to J.V. Sankaran, with whom he always exchanged pleasantries. Perhaps something was amiss between Jaidev and his wife family, Baruk thought. That wife of his would cause more than anyone a few headaches. And the daughter, well, she was a walking disaster, worse than the Southeast Monsoon. Batuk observed him from the moment he arrived and had a certain concern for Jaidev Da Costa, if had only known the real reason, his concern would have been so much greater.  [Don't tell the reader  any more about Baruk's thoughts than what you have already.  You've firmly established that Baruk is concerned for Jaidev and knows the man well.  This is more than enough to transition to the next scene.  You did an admirable job, now don't overdo it.  Also, be careful not to hint of imminent doom, as this takes away from the event when it occurs.]
He had hurried his coffee and left Batuk’s without a word. He seemed intent on some errand, thought Batuk as he Baruk watched him stride strode across the road.  The shot rang out just as Jaidev reached the entry concourse of The' Goa Panaji International';.
   The Chief Commissioner of Police stated in 'The Navhina Times.', "Whoever committed the shooting was a professional, it was one shot and between the eyes."
  
Chapter One

Jaidev Da Costa was a big man, but not just due to his height. He was also ample around his girth, and because of this he looked larger than he really was. Additionally, since he always wore oversized white kurta's, his presence could not be mistaken wherever he went.
   The white kurta contrasted his olive skin and slicked black hair, which was never out of place, and oiled and shiny just like Clark Gable's in his 1930's films. Another of Jaidev's traits was that he always could be found with a cigar.
   He could also be seen precisely at ten each morning, standing at Batuk Dua's roadside stall, sipping a large iced coffee.  Of course one may wonder why he would go to Batuk's for his coffee, when the hotel opposite him, with its two bars, three restaurants and cake shop, served iced coffee.  Especially since he was not only the manager but also the owner of The Goa Panaji International Hotel.
                
Jaidev Da Costa had been having a coffee at Batuk's for as long as anyone could remember. But why iced coffee? Surely, in Goa, India, there would have been more exotic local refreshments.
Jaidev preferred iced coffee because his grandfather had introduced him to it many years before, when he was a young man. From his first exposure to it, the drink had had been his ritual. And Batuk Dua had started making iced coffee the same day Jaidev asked for it.
Batuk Dua's dictum was that if a customer wanted something, he would supply it. Jaidev appreciated Batuk's spirit for enterprise, and from that day on he had his morning coffee only at his stand.
The locals referred to Jaidev as The Miramar Mountain, not just because of his size but due to his hotel's location on Miramar Beach.  However, not many townsfolk indentified the stretch of sand by the same name, as most called it Gasper Diaz, the original handle given to it by explorer Vasco Da Gama. Jaidev preferred Miramar, which when translated from Portuguese meant "view of the sea." This definition extended to all the promotional material for The Goa Panaji International Hotel, showcased by the official slogan: "Located on Miramar Beach, all rooms have a view of the Arabian Sea."

   When Jaidev arrived for his coffee on this particular morning, Batuk had noted that was not in his usual jovial frame of mind. He was gruff and didn't even speak to J. V. Sankaran, with whom he always exchanged pleasantries. Perhaps something was amiss between Jaidev and his family, Baruk thought. That wife of his would cause anyone more than a few headaches. And the daughter, well, she was a walking disaster worse than the Southeast Monsoon.
Jaidev hurried his coffee and left Batuk’s without a word. He seemed intent on some errand as he strode across the road.  The shot rang out just as Jaidev reached the entry concourse of The Goa Panaji International Hotel.
   The Chief Commissioner of Police stated in The Navhina Times, "Whoever committed the shooting was a professional, it was one shot and between the eyes." 

[Here is the remainder of the chapter, unedited.]

       Jaidev had hit the marble floor, flat on his back, not one drop of blood on his Kurta, his hair was unruffled and a newly lit cigar was between his fingers still smouldering, when the first police arrived.
   The whole of Goa was in a hubbub; Jaidev Da Costa was a respected businessman and philanthropist, giving much to the underprivileged, in fact, even building extensive housing developments, with low rents, which the poorer people could afford.
   The Press came out with wide ranging reports: 'Leading business man killed by a jealous husband.' 'Local Mafia wants to take over the independently owned, International hotels.' 'Shot by disgruntled staff member.' The stories were played out to the fullest extent until after a week when new events occurred and there were better headlines, from that time nothing more was written. The Da Costa family however was still struggling with the death of the patriarch.
   He had been dutifully buried in a solemn catholic service as was the custom of his family, every businessman and politician who had associated, paying their respects to Daya Da Costa his wife, his son Baldev, who was now taking over the family business much earlier than he had ever expected and daughter Sajani, her father’s undoubted  favourite.
   The killer of Jaidev remained at large after a number of weeks, the Director General of the Goa Police himself regularly met with Baldev and his mother; however each conversation was much the same. 'I am so sorry Mrs Da Costa I have nothing new to report.' He was not even able to enlighten them regarding the type of gun the bullet had come from and no witnesses could be found, it was like a ghost had appeared in front of Jaidev, fired the shot then vanished into the Goan sultry morning air.
  'However I'm pleased to report that I have established a most experienced team to investigate you husband’s death.' the Director General advised. 'Detective Inspector Sohan Majhi is in charge, he is a most competent man and I hope we will have better news next time I call.' Director General Chandrak Rajiv excused himself, leaving the family once again completely at a loss.
   There was a certain resignation by the family, Jaidev did have enemies, he had been a strong advocate of slum clearing and housing redevelopment he had been accused of shifty deals on land acquisition, nothing was ever proved,but rumour just added enemies. Baldev having now moved into the position of Managing Director of the family business put these things aside, concentrating on the hotel and on further development plans, building on his father's established business.
    Baldev was just as tall as his father without the girth, he had a modern hairstyle and he didn't smoke cigars, however his bearing was impressive, he had a certain aura. His father had trained him well, he was a good businessman. Jaidev had known that when the business was passed to his son; it would be in good hands.
    With the sudden projection into the senior position of the company, Baldev had to spend many days and late nights catching up with the situation. His mother was continuously questioning him on the status of the business and what income she could expect. She was petrified of losing her status within the community and her lifestyle.
    Baldev had established himself well with staff and within a week had a good hold of the business. Most areas he was familiar with. Since his return from University his father had briefed him well. Already he was considering the purchase of a smaller hotel further down the coast at Caranzalem Beach. His objective was, he told staff was to have a chain of superior properties in Goa, his mother Daya was delighted, her stipend had been increased, she was happy, even Baldev's sister Sajani had acquiesced. 'Father was so tight, not a rupee more would he give, even on special occasions.'
   Baldev had seen and heard the family squabbles; he knew a few rupees extra would silence the women in his clan, which would give him freedom to develop the business in his direction, rather than the way of his father.

   One month to the day of his father's demise, in the late afternoon a phone call was put through to Baldev, the Secretary had said it was quite urgent and from an international caller.
   When answering Baldev thought the accent was quite strong, perhaps eastern European, it was certainly not an Indian speaking English.
   'We had been waiting patiently for your father to complete his part in the cartel; he refused, we have waited one more year and now require some action to be taken immediately or there will be unfortunate circumstances.'
   Baldev listened in silence; he did not reply or make any comment, just returned the phone to its cradle.
   He had only returned to Goa within the last six months, prior to his father's death, having been at Amity University in Delhi completing a Bachelor of Commerce degree. His father was determined that he should have an in depth business education. This grounding had certainly been helpful, when suddenly being thrown into the family business. With his father’s death however Baldev was not wise to the world in to which he had be thrown, he had much still to learn.
   A number of weeks prior to his death, Jaidev had given Baldev brief details of certain other business arrangements, at that time Baldev had not wanted to know about them. He wanted only to develop the hotels, which he realized even after the first briefing by his father, the hotels were just a front.     He had closed 'The Business' as his father had described the arrangement, from his mind, hoping it would not raise its head, now it unfortunately had. He would have to act whether he liked it or not, the phone call was about 'The Business’. He sat thinking for a minute or so after replacing the phone, never considering that members of the Business' would act so strongly.
   Perhaps he needed to show his hand, he went to the small safe in the office, punched in the codes and removed a school exercise book. Only six pages were written on, it was the fourth page that he turned too, which was just a series of phone numbers, each with a country prefix, no names, no other information.  He went down to the fourth number with prefix seven and then 423 before, dialing an additional six digits. He was calling Vladivostok in Eastern Russia. There was some delay as the numbers rang through; eventually it was answered but there was just silence.
   'Hello this is Baldev Da Costa, I believed you called.'
   'It is good of you to reply, I hope you understand the situation we are in.'
   'I do, and wish to make amends for my father.'
   'I am sorry about Jaidev, I liked him much, but business comes before personal feelings.'
   It was just as well Baldev could not be seen, he was shaking and sallow, revenge was in his mind this transcended to his physical appearance. He wanted to ask if his father’s death had been an execution by 'The Business' but decided he would wait.
       He made no other comment, other than. 'I wish to meet as soon as is practical.'
   'Can you be in Singapore on Friday the seventeenth?'
   'Yes I can.'
   'I will call you two days before the day and advise you of a meeting place.' the phone went dead.
   Baldev got up from the desk replacing the exercise book, walked out and asked his Secretary to have the car arranged.
    'I wish to go downtown.'
    'Landscape Excelsior, Sandeep, to the Induslnd Bank.' Baldev instructed as got in the car.
    Sandeep, the driver looked at him through the rear vision mirror. Baldev knew by the look he didn't have clue where he was going.
    'I'll direct you; it's a small bank in the complex you probably didn't know it is there.' Sandeep gave an uncertain nod.
    It was found without worry, so that Sandeep's nerves were kept at bay, the short journey had also calmed Baldev.
    The bank had been chosen by Jaidev twenty-five years before, for a number of reasons, the branch in Goa was small, but had excellent locker facilities and with a main branch to the north, in the city of Mumbai, where an account was just one of thousands, in Goa Jaidev was too well known.
    The instructions given to Baldev by his father were quiet specific. 'If anything goes wrong,' he had said, 'go to the locker, with in it, are a number of things. Firstly cash box with funds, but more importantly a folder with all details on our operation. There is a loose page with instructions, follow them precisely, contact only those that are under the heading 'Sentinel' and if you have had to access these instructions, be wary, be very wary my son.' Those last words were ringing in Baldev's mind as he sat down to study the items he had removed. After a long delay by the bank manager who was reluctant to let Baldev into the Bank locker vault. His excuse was he didn’t know Baldev, even though his credentials were checked.
   Baldev had avoided accessing the locker since his father’s death and now wished he hadn't. The more he read the more he realised what 'The Business' was, an avenue for making very serious money. He spent some time going through the papers, then opened the cash box to find twelve sealed packs of American dollar bills, a thick wad of Rupees in high denominations, which he didn't even try to calculate, considerable he felt. He found the loose page his father had mentioned, in an old fashioned Accounts Record book. Looking under the column 'Sentinel' were a series of numbers with a letter beside each, they were indiscriminate and some letters were the same, he compared them with those in the exercise book, none compared.
    This concerned him as his father had said all numbers he would need were in the book and that any contact initially would be from that list. Now the loose page seemed to be indicating that things were different.
    He read through everything and other than the fact there appeared to be considerable amounts of cash, pages and pages of account details and lastly two passports made out one for a male, the second for a female, however in each there were no photographs. They were new with details of both being born in Goa the male in 1978 Baldev’s year of birth, the female in 1982 his sister Sajani's year of birth. Attached was a slip of paper with Baldev's father's
precise handwriting 'If needed take to Gopal Pravil.' Who Gopal Pravil was Baldev had no idea.
     All seemed a little strange, the account books particularly, which were just figures under two columns, Income and Expenses with no dates, the second column, Notations with just groups of letters. He studied one page and decided that they must be codes of some sort, for example the first heading under expenses was XHP/GS RP 206,000.00. He had no ideas and could find nothing additional to give him a clue about the paperwork, or anything else that was in the safe, so after a frustrating half an hour he packed it up and locked it away. No closer to understanding what 'The Business' actually did, he had Sandeep drive him back to the Hotel.
    There was a light knock on the door, Sajani his sister entered. It was unlike her this time of day to be around the hotel, she would normally have been in one of the 'to be seen.' Restaurants or bars with many of her model and designer friends.
    'This is a surprise Sajani, don't tell me you're going to meet here this evening and give our own business a boost.' Baldev commented as his sister slid into one of the guest chairs, even though it was his sister, he admitted to himself she was a very attractive woman.
     'I see enough of this place Baldev; however I understand you have been to the Induslnd Bank.'
     'Yes I have, I do wonder what business it is of yours and secondly how you were aware I had been there.'
     'Let me say, I am kept informed on certain things particularly those I have an interest in.'
      Baldev sat back not saying a word his mind spinning, suddenly realizing his sister may well know about the other business arrangements, this completely surprised him as he did not think his father would have confided in Sajani as well.
      'My sister I think it may be time under the present circumstances for us to sit down and have a talk.' the phone rang at that very moment; he picked it up watching his sister warily.
      Sajani was one of the many Indian girls who were brought up in a house having plenty of money, unlike millions of her sister's. She had been to the best schools, spent a year in Europe, eventually giving up the university education because of her looks and figure and had gone into modeling. She spent two years in Mumbai and was now contracted to two major Hindi magazines which meant that she only had to work occasionally and more often than not this entailed overseas assignments which were a perfect arrangement for her lifestyle. She had become very much involved in the Goan art and design world, additionally unbeknown to anybody but her father, was the fact she was one of the key personnel in 'The Business.'
      Baldev came off the phone, it had been a mundane hotel matter, he was agitated, he wished to get to the bottom of Sajani and her involvement.
      'What do you know of the special arrangements Sajani?'
      'I could ask you the same? My brother, however I feel that straight answers are necessary. I have been working with our father for some three years. It is a very involved arrangement, I find it difficult at this moment to go into every aspect, however I will say that father appears to have not completed certain requirements which I find is most surprising.'
     'Sounds to me, like he owed money.'
     'It could be he just owed product.' She countered.
     'Come on Sajani tell me what it is, what is the product, tell me everything you know, I feel a fool,' he said sitting upright, 'father appears to have been playing one against the other.'
      'Not so, father gave me the 'The Business' to run, which I have for the last three years, you were not here, I didn't know however he'd briefed you, or had given you the combination and key to the locker and to be quite frankly I don't know why he did.' Looking at her brother, in a superior manner. Baldev noticed, it gave him a feeling of concern.
     'Perhaps he told me, so that you could be kept honest.....'
     She broke into his comment. 'Father wished to concentrate on the Hotels and become more involved in politics, he was in fact slowly divorcing himself from other activities, or so I thought, however he was starting to interfere, he was making things difficult.'
     'Remember Sajani our father was taking instructions from his brother in law, our Uncle, this is why the strange document ‘Memorandum of arrangement’ was brought about, now we both questioned it at the time but we signed and to be quite truthful I still do not know exactly what I means, however now that father is dead we are tied to following the memorandum.  I checked, memorandum the word means, a record of a legal agreement which has not yet been formally drawn up and signed. Now the word arrangement has a number of meanings, one is a plan for a future event or an agreement to do something'.
    ‘Baldev it was a fantasy by old men, rather than write a will, as normal people do, they came up with this memorandum rubbish. You just said it is a memorandum, which is a legal agreement not yet signed, and we did sign, so does that make it now a legal document, who knows and I don’t care.’
    ‘Well I’m going to have a very close read of the all of the clauses, as I have a strange feeling about it. Our uncle Maneco, I don’t trust, he’s elderly and starting to lose it, but he’s very cunning, this was not done as a whim or fantasy, I would like to find out why.’
    'I think it's irrelevant Baldev, what does it matter, he will pass away soon and  so will mother, my task is to run 'The Business' yours the hotels, so let’s leave it like that.'
    'I do wish, you would tell me what the business is. What you sell, buy or whatever. Knowing you and your arty friend’s and their world I suppose its drugs.'
    She just looked at him, got up and walked to the end of the desk staring down at him, and very quietly said. 'It is not and you will not find out what this business is and just so you know, as far as your trip to Singapore is concerned I will go in your place.'
   'How did you know about Singapore?'
   'I heard the phone call'
   'Did you, and how may that have been?'
    She just shrugged, with the suggestion of a smile crossing her face. Baldev suddenly realised he did not know his sister at all, she was someone he did not recognise. He had a terrible thought about their father; many questions were running though his mind.
    He made an immediate decision, he would let her get on with the business, but from now she was to have a shadow, he wanted to know everything.  He presumed Sajani did not know that he had emptied the locker of all its contents, which were now being  held in the Office safe. He would return it all first thing in the morning; the night was going to be spent scrutinising and photo copying.
    'Well if you're going to do the bidding of whoever it is in Singapore, go to it my sister. I'm very happy working the hotel business.' With that he stood and went to the end of the desk, he towered over her.
    'Understand this Sajani if you are into illegal activities, which I can't believe my father was, you will get no help from me.'
    She looked him hard in the eyes. 'I didn't expect any help from you, in this business you wouldn't have the tenacity or the fortitude, you are too much the University gook with no experience in the real world.' She turned the left, when at the door she gave him a fleeting smile. 'Watch how you go my brother; it's a very big world out there.'