THE SECRETS OF THE FAE Opening-Chapter Critique by Robert L. Bacon

The Secrets of the Fae
By Emma B.

Critique by Robert L. Bacon

November 18, 2010

Hello Emma,

Before you read the revised draft, here are the issues I noticed with THE SECRETS OF THE FAE that need attention:

1)  Overall, other than sometimes getting all "caught up" in your narrative and not writing what I'm certain it is you wanted to make clear for the reader, punctuation is your number-one problem area.  Specifically, the incorrect and overuse of semi-colons, and improperly punctuated dialogue attributes. 

To the latter issue, attributes always need a comma, not a period.  "Go to him," I nodded, should be "Go to him," I said and nodded. or "Go to him."  I nodded.  But never the first example, "Go to him," I nodded.  A physical act, as in nodding, is not a speaker attribute such "said" or "asked." 

Attributes (meaning, something "attributed" to someone's speech) always require
a word that identifies what the speaker did from the perspective of declaring, questioning, etc., such as the word said as in he said, or asked as in he asked, or words that modify these attributes (called adverb attributes; i.e., the word softly in
she said softly).  Regardless of the construction, for something to be attributed to a speaker--thus identifying the speaker for the reader--this requires a comma and not
a period.  Always!

2)  Many writers have the tendency to repeat words too close to one another, thus making them stand out. This is why "fresh" eyes are so important.  Early in your draft, I noticed uncomfortably and uncomfortable a sentence or so apart.  As I worked through the draft, there were many such instances, with another close set I remember involving the word vulnerable.  As you'll see, I provided substitutes for these sets of redundant words.

3)  Alex should always be attractive to the reader, therefore she would never grunt, she groans; she doesn't pop her joints, she flexes her legs, etc.  You'll see how I suggested attending to this when you read the revised text.

4)  Write in active and not passive voice almost all the time.  I noticed you slipping into passive voice in a few areas of your narrative.  This stifles writing in many ways, since this also doesn't enable you to show the action, which is almost always advantageous to telling the reader what's happening.

5) I want to encourage you to use more contractions in your dialogue  Read your material out loud to see how it fits with the way you want your characters to sound.
If a contraction works better, use it.  I understand that you need your characters to speak in a specific way, but from a perspective of pitch, it's important to determine if
a contraction sounds best.                                            

6)  An agent or publisher is going to advise you to use more interior monologue to break up your longer runs of dialogue, something such as I did when I inserted a little humor at the end in one of Paralda's exchanges.  I offered this for you to consider: Paralda said in a not too pleasant tone, even for telepathy.

7)  Don’t tell what's going to happen beforehand.  This is a really big deal, since it takes the edge off the ensuing action.  You'll see the sections I deleted from your narrative where this occurred.  Again, this is hugely important.

8)  Consistency is critical.  Alex can't set the time in the loop for ten seconds in one scene and then tell Paralda in a later scene that she set it for an hour.  This is the only instance in which I think I noticed this, but please check you entire draft for this sort of miscue.

In what you will soon be reading, when I deleted words or phrases in your narrative,
I did so instead of using a strikethrough.  Then I highlighted the suggested revised
text in yellow.  In this way, once you've seen where the revisions are located and compared these to your original wording--if you want to do so, since this is a Word document--you can simply highlight the entire narrative in yellow and then click the yellow icon in the editing box to delete all highlighting.  My clients tell me this a lot easier than having to delete every strikethrough.

Here is your draft with my suggestions for your consideration: 

[A note to readers:  What is highlighted in yellow is text I revised and not material to be modified]  

1

I could think of more than a dozen things I would rather be doing on a Saturday night, which all involved my vampire boyfriend Xavier, who was currently busy overseeing the domain of a vampire leader who had been killed, something that wouldn’t have happened if it hadn’t been for me.  I hadn’t seen Xavier for what seemed like a lifetime, and I only had myself to blame.

I shifted uncomfortably in the darkness trying to stretch muscles that had started to seize.  I groaned as I tried to straighten my right leg for the tenth time.

“Alex, you need to be quiet,” Paralda whispered in my ear.

Paralda and I were currently hiding in the hypogeum system of the Colosseum in Rome.  Paralda, my ally and leader of the Sylphs from the Fae realm, was sporting the 6-feet-tall goddess form she used when entering the mortal realm.  Apparently when your true height is 3-feet, including wings, you like a bit of extra room when you play the mortal.  Yet she still appeared more squeezed in that larger space than what my 5-feet 4-inch tall frame allowed me in mine.

Paralda started inching her way along the aqueduct that had been used during the Colosseum’s heyday to flood the arena.  I followed closely behind, trying not to make any noise.

I may be High Priestess for the Fae realm, and now the leader of the vampire contingent of the mortal world thanks to my being in a relationship with one of them, but stealth and combat were definitely not my strong suits.  I reminded myself of this as we crawled through the narrow space that Paralda and I decided was the best route for getting to Dante and all of us back home safely.  And I didn't mind the effort , since what we were going through was nothing compared to what he was experiencing.

Dante, my grandfather and Sylph, was currently being held and tortured by a faction that was tied to Raoul, a rogue area-leader, who with his league of vampires had been causing trouble for the Fae. I had subsequently killed him; well, my pet offensive ward, Draco the Dragon, had killed him.  When it happened I had just screamed like the girl I was.

I tried using my power again to get into Dante’s mind.  I had succeeded several times in the past day to enter it briefly, but it was chaotic and didn’t contain many coherent thoughts.  Just pain!  I couldn’t reach his mind even though he was close by.  He must have been under again.  I wouldn’t allow myself to think we were too late.  I had panicked the first day when I was in his mind and suddenly I had been cast out.  Paralda explained he had probably lost his ability to remain cognizant, and even as powerful as I might be as High Priestess, I cannot enter a comatose mind. 

It had taken me over 24 hours to get enough information out of Dante’s tortured mind to track him to this area.  The hypogeum system of the Colosseum was a vast network of tunnels and cages that all looked the same, and pinpointing his exact location was proving difficult.  I continued to try to communicate telepathically with Dante, but he was either too weak or in too much pain to respond. 

Paralda led us from the main arena through the aqueduct to the tunnels below.  Her dark silhouette suddenly disappeared in front of me, and I heard a soft thud and a hiss below.  I crawled forward on my stomach and peered into the hole in which Paralda had just fallen.

I giggled as she was wiping red dust off her rear end.  She looked up and scowled,  motioning for me to join her quickly.  I jumped into the hole and landed on the ground next to her.  I stretched the full length of my body, trying to ease the kinks that the aqueduct had caused.

But before I even had time to flex my legs, Paralda grabbed my hand and dragged me to the back of a cage that was hidden in the shadows.  Paralda and I stopped breathing, and we listened for any noises of anything or anyone approaching that would indicate we had given away our position.  We remained in this state for a long time but nothing happened.

Paralda let out her breath and I followed suit and relaxed.  We obviously were not close enough to be discovered yet.  Paralda grabbed a water bottle out of her backpack and took a drink and handed it to me.  I took a quick mouthful and handed it back.

“So what do we do now?” I asked in a low voice.

“When we find them," Paralda said.  You have to use your mind control to subdue however many there are so we can get Dante out safely.”

I concentrated but it wasn't working.  “I don’t know who has him, so I can’t visualise their minds.  We need to get close enough so I can see Dante.  His thoughts, when I get to them, are too chaotic.  I have only seen one face clearly in his mind.  The others are fuzzy, but I think there are at least three.”

“If you can see them, do you think you will be able to subdue them simultaneously?” Paralda asked.

“Sure,” I said and nodded. “If they're all essentially doing the same thing, I can control as many minds as I want.”

Roman, my trainer and Paralda’s brother, had been helping me fine tune my mind control skills, and I was getting pretty good at it.

“So how are we going to find them?” I asked.

“Thanks to you, we are now close enough that I can find him by scent.” Paralda said.

“You can smell him?” I asked.

Paralda smiled. “Vampires aren’t the only ones who can track someone through a blood bond.  You should be able to sense him as well, maybe even better than me, since Dante is your grandfather.”

I shuddered as I looked around at my surroundings; the Colosseum was cold, dark, and really spooky.  “I can’t smell anything except dust and mould,” I said.

"You can sense the history of this place and feel the presence of pain and death too," Paralda said.  Mortals would call it a haunted feeling.  Don’t rely on your five normal senses.  Use your sixth sense, the feeling in your mind and soul.”

I thought about her words and glanced around again.  She was right, I could feel the presence of all the death, pain, fear, and hatred of the place.  I tried to concentrate on those things. 

      In the centre of all this was what I can only describe as a hot spot.  It was like a small place burning more brightly in the middle of all the pain.  I moved towards the entrance of the cage and the spot pulsed to my movement.  I turned right and continued down the tunnel.  And though the spot still seemed to beat like a heart, it had started to cool and burn a little less brightly.  I turned around and headed the other way through the tunnel, and the hot spot again picked up its intensity.

“I think Dante is this way,” I said.

“Good girl, you can feel it," Paralda said.  "Scenting is not really using your sense of smell.  That's just an easy way to describe it.  It's more like following an essence."

With each step I took inside the tunnel, I could now feel the hot spot pulsing stronger and brighter. Paralda and I moved slowly and cautiously, and stopped when we heard movement and muffled voices ahead of us.

As High Priestess, I had control over who could come into my mind, and when I felt Paralda pushing on the shields around my brain, I let them down so she could enter telepathically, another perk of being of Fae descent.

Be careful.  If we can hear them, they can definitely hear us, Paralda said in my mind.  No more talking, and take care to be as quiet as possible.  Keep the connection open between us so we can speak telepathically.  I nodded in agreement and we again moved slowly through the tunnel, keeping to the darkest of the shadows.  We were both dressed in black combat gear and we pulled the hoods down over our faces so we were virtually invisible.

 Luckily, the scent of blood and urine that was emanating from the room ahead of us was very strong, otherwise I suspect the vampires holding Dante hostage would have been able to smell us approaching.

Paralda pulled me to the wall, and we peered around the corner into an open cage that was larger than other cages we also saw.  I suspected this was the room the gladiators had used to practice their fighting skills before entering the main arena.  I opened my mouth to scream, but Paralda clamped a strong hand over it.

I was looking at a makeshift torture chamber complete with a rack.  There were various torture weapons on the wall, some I recognised and some were too damn weird and I didn’t want to know what they would be used for.  Dante was stripped naked and tied to the rack.  His head leaned to the side and there was blood covering most of his body.  Five vampires stood in the room with him.

“What are we going to do, Radu?" one of the vampires asked.  "Raoul should have been in contact by now.  We need to know what to do with him.”

“I need to go and see what is going on," another vampire, who looked vaguely familiar to me, answered him.  He continued, "Raoul should have left some instructions.  Something must have happened.  Keep him alive until I return.”

Oh my, that is Radu.  I have heard of him but never seen him before.  He is Vlad’s brother, Paralda said in my mind.

What the hell is Vlad’s brother doing torturing Dante? I asked, now realising why he looked familiar.  Vlad Basarab was the original Dracula and an area leader who I had become friends with whilst trying to stop Raoul.

Vlad and Radu are enemies.  They have been since they were mortal Paralda said, You need to subdue them all now, before Radu leaves.

I closed my eyes and visualised the vampires in front of me.  I considered them asleep and sent the thought towards them.  I placed the visions in each vampire’s mind, but nothing happened.  I started to panic.

What is wrong Alex?  You need to subdue them quickly, Paralda said.

I tried, it's not working.  I sent a visualisation of them asleep, and I know it entered their minds.  I felt it.

Vampires don’t sleep, Alex, you know that.  You can’t use something that is physically impossible for them to do Paralda said in a not too pleasant tone, even for telepathy.

Well, what do you suggest I do? I asked, at a loss of how to keep the vampires occupied.

Paralda shrugged.  I don’t know, but we need to come up with something quickly before Radu heads this way.

Hang on, I might have something, I said.

I wondered whether I could visualise the room remaining the same as it is now, but without us  in it--when in fact we were--like what occurs when a security camera is set on a loop that shows something earlier and not what is happening in real time.  I suggested this to Paralda and she said to give it a go.

I imagined the room from the previous hour, with time running over and over again,  and I sent the vision to the vampires' minds and shrugged.

I’ve done it, so now I suggest we just walk in there and see if it worked.  I had said this in Paralda’s mind with much more confidence than I really felt.

Paralda nodded and grabbed my hand.  We walked slowly into the room until we were in front of Radu.  He looked straight through us, at the entrance that we had just come from.  This confirmed he was on the loop and wasn’t going to be able to do anything to us.  The other vampires were watching Radu and didn’t notice us either.  I let out a sigh of relief.  Paralda removed herself from my mind and we resumed communicating normally.

“How long did you set the loop for?” Paralda asked.

“An hour, do you think that's long enough?” I asked.

Paralda nodded.  “Come on, let’s get him out of here.”

Paralda and I hurried over to Dante and started untying him from the rack.  He groaned but did not open his eyes.  We placed his arms on our shoulders and dragged him out of the chamber.

It was slow going through the tunnel, as Dante was dead weight and unable to help us at all.  The height difference between Paralda and I didn’t do any good either, and I cursed the 6-foot fairy about her choice of height as we stumbled down the tunnel towards the entrance to the main arena.

It took us nearly half an hour just to get out of the hypogeum system.  Once we were in the main arena, it was a little easier to move because there was more room, but we still had a ways to go to get to the portal site in Rome. 

Paralda had called Roman telepathically when we had started back through the tunnel, and he met us at the entrance to the Colosseum.  Roman picked Dante up and carried him fireman-style.  Dante groaned when Roman had lifted him over his shoulder, but we couldn’t afford to check his injuries now.

Paralda, Roman, and I made our way back to the Ulpia Basilica where the Fae line- portal was.  By the time we got there, our hour of grace had passed by a few minutes.  I looked around nervously as Paralda opened the portal.

Five minutes later we were in the Fae realm and the portal was shut.  I sank to my knees on the floor of the Fae forest and tried to stop shaking, not only from the Fae line- travel, which I was still trying to get used to, but from the nerves I had been trying to keep in check whilst we rescued Dante. 

Fae line-travel is unlike anything I have experienced before.  Imagine a dark tunnel filled with smeared lights all around that gives you the impression of flying at a million miles an hour.  You have a sense of weightlessness and you cannot tell whether you are right side up or not.  If you can handle that, then you have an idea of what Fae line-travel is like. 

I felt my equilibrium settle and let out a big breath.  Paralda converted back to her    3-foot-fairy form.  Her silver wings caused a cool breeze on the back of my neck as she came down next to me.

‘We did it, Alex," Paralda said, while rubbing soothing circles on my back.  "Dante is home."  She turned to Roman.  "You can you take him to the infirmary.  Alex and I will catch up.” 

Roman nodded and picked up Dante.  Roman had kept his 6-foot form that he used in the mortal realm and this made it easier to carry Dante, who was in no condition to change back to his lighter fairy form.  Roman cradled Dante gently to his chest and disappeared into the forest.

“We only just made it,” I said.  "If Radu had found out Raoul was dead, I don’t think Dante would still be alive."

 “Yes, our timing couldn’t have been better.  I'm glad Vlad wanted to keep Raoul’s death quiet for a little while or we may not have got him back,” Paralda said.

“So Radu is really Vlad’s brother, I mean, not just vampire brother but mortal brother too?” I asked.

“Yes, Radu is Vlad’s younger half-brother.  They have the same father but a different mother,” Paralda said as she nodded.  “Radu held the throne of the Ottoman Court while Vlad held the throne of Wallachia.  Vlad launched successful guerrilla attacks against Radu’s armies but could never get to Radu himself.”  Paralda paused and smiled at the wood nymphs that were listening to her story. 

“Vlad’s older full brother, Mircea, was killed in 1447 by boyars from Tigoviste.  They burned his eyes out with red hot pokers and buried him alive.  His being buried alive actually ended up saved him.  He was turned, and started his life as a vampire, which Vlad didn't know anything about.  Vlad then spent the rest of his mortal life trying to avenge his older brother’s death, which he blamed on the Ottoman Court and Radu.  But Radu died in 1475 before Vlad could avenge Mircea’s death"

“So they are true enemies even in death?” I asked.

Paralda nodded.  “When Vlad was fatally wounded during a battle in 1476, Mircea turned him, and Vlad found out that Mircea had already turned Radu the year before.  Vlad’s hatred of Radu burned so deeply, even though all three were now immortal, and Mircea did not blame his youngest brother for his death, Vlad could not bring himself to forgive Radu.”

“Vlad has a very interesting family tree,” I said, running a shaky hand through my hair.  I took a deep breath.  “I know why Raoul used Radu to torture Dante.” 

“You do?”  Paralda asked, her eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Vlad’s gift is mind control.  If he can capture your gaze and hold it, he can make you tell him what he wants to know.  And a vampire’s unique gift is passed on by blood, so if Mircea turned both Radu and Vlad, they'd all share the same gift.”

“So Radu could control Dante’s mind and find out whatever he wanted?”  Paralda asked.

I nodded.  “Radu probably knows quite a few Fae secrets now.”

Paralda stood up and held her hand out for me.  “We better go and check on Dante.”

We started walking through the Fae forest, and back to Paralda’s castle in the Province of Light.

__________________________________________________________

Robert L. Bacon
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