COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, by Paula B.
Critique by Robert L. Bacon
Critique by Robert L. Bacon
April 20, 2010
Hello Paula,
Obviously, only the full read of a manuscript can tell the true tale regarding the integrity of the work, but if your opening is indicative of the writing throughout the entire draft, COME HELL OR HIGH WATER will have strong appeal for Romance enthusiasts (whom, as you likely are aware, compose the largest single segment of the book-buying public).
Let me tell you what's good about what I read: Your writing is crisp and the dialogue is rock solid. The storyline is sound, and the characters--even in the short span of 3500 or so words--are developed at a quality level, and they engage the reader. I already know a lot about Revis, Holly, and Amanda--and the most important aspect of this is that I want to learn more. A whole lot more. The early-stage captivation of the reader should be the goal of any good writer, and you have succeeded in fine fashion in achieving this. And in the first ten pages you've set a spark to kindle a fire that won't take much to turn into a roaring blaze.
As for my suggestions related to the first three pages I line-edited (the edited pages follow this narrative), these revisions have little if anything to do with your skill as a writer. Every published author on this planet who I know of, except one--and I think this person is lying--freely admits to having his or her work professionally edited.
I placed in brackets and emboldened the syntax where I made changes, and in most cases I provided an explanation of why I did so. I must tell you that a justification for every revision is not something I can take the time to provide in a normal line-edit for a client. However, these annotations will enable you to evaluate me and how my editing suggestions may or may not fit your thinking This is important because editing is as much about the relationship with the author as it is about the manuscript.
Also, every-other-Tuesday I publish a free newsletter that focuses on topics which pertain to writing at a level which would appeal to the major royalty publishers. You can subscribe to the newsletter by scrolling to the bottom of my home page at theperfectwrite.com.
My line edit of the first three pages follows, along with some closing comments at the end that are on a separate page.
_________________________________________________________
Come Hell or High Water
Chapter 1
Revis Kirkland pitched his wife's overnight bag into the trunk of her car and shut it.
She put her purse on the seat, then looked up at him. "Why are they all milling around?" she asked.
Revis glanced behind him. One of his ranch hands was "holding up the fence" while another pretended to mend it. Two more were standing outside their quarters.
"It's New Year's Eve, Holly. They're waiting for you to get on outta here so the party can start."
She huffed. "Don't let them tear up my house again."
He met her gaze straight on. "If you're so worried about it, stay home."
"Clean up the mess," she hissed said.
"We always do."
She eyed him up and down. Then, he knew, solely for the benefit of their audience, she kissed him briefly. [Your interest in maintaining POV is commendable, but the last sentence, in its current syntax, does not read evenly. Please revise to something like:
She eyed him up and down. Then she kissed him, but it was brief and he knew it was solely for the benefit of their audience. He didn't return her kiss.
She flashed him a "go to hell" look, got into the brand new 1958 pink Cadillac her daddy had bought her for Christmas, started it and drove away. He watched until the car disappeared in a dust cloud of its own making. [It's okay for the reader to assume she started the car, since this is a normal attendant function to the main action and telling this is superfluous. In the original next sentence--He watched until the car disappeared in the dust cloud--the use of "the" insinuates that the cloud dust already existed and not that her actions created it, hence "a" is the correct article and also the reason for the modifier I suggested: "of it's own making.]
They rarely spoke to one another now – except to argue. She stayed busy, though, thank goodness. She'd recently bought a "boutique" (just to irritate her, Revis called it a dress shop) that catered to wealthy women. She kept the roads hot between the ranch, her store, and her parents' mansion in the nearby city of Wichita Falls. (I added a comma after "store," as I'm one of these people who like to see commas after each segment in a series, as I feel it helps to smooth out a read.)
She didn't take those long trips with them [who is them? ] anymore though. She'd learned her lesson about that. [This last sentence also creates a POV shift to Holly, so you might want to think about reworking it too]
Revis turned in time to see his life-long friend and foreman, Luke McKinney, carrying a huge pot into the kitchen.
"Come on, Boys, let's get this show on the road," Revis said and followed Luke inside.
The kitchen in the Kirkland home was huge, originally built to accommodate a crowd. It had abundant cabinets and counter space, two large refrigerators, a deep freeze, two commercial size gas stoves with roomy ovens, and a walk-in pantry.
All the hands only came in twice a year now--for a week in the spring and later for fall roundup.
A long table down the middle of one end of the room seated up to ten people. Another in the dining area could seat eight. On those two occasions, Revis, Luke and the veteran hands took over the dining area. The temporary hires stayed in the kitchen.
Most days, only the single cowboys, Jones, Spence, Jake and Colt, [comma needed after Colt; this is a clause and not a series] ate here at the house. The rest were married and lived in homes on Kirkland land.
Revis didn't usually hire unmarried cowboys. Most of them were more trouble than they were worth. These four, however, had been with him several years now and proven themselves able, dependable, and loyal [Again, I prefer a comma after each element in a series. In this instance, read fast, "dependable" and "loyal" without a comma run together for me as if they're one character trait and not two.]
Revis enjoyed nights like this with the cowboys. They brought laughter back to the house. He missed that.
With his son, Travis, attending a private school in Austin, the place had grown way too quiet.
Luke turned the fire on under his stew. "When's she gonna be back?"
Realizing Luke referred to Holly, Revis answered, "Who knows." He claimed his place at the table by hanging his Stetson on the ladder back chair. "Her daddy's having a big party."
"Scooter went to town. He won't be back 'til tomorrow," Luke said. "His little ole wife's home madder than hell."
Irritation swept through Revis as he pushed up from his chair [The syntax, "He claimed his place at the table by hanging his Stetson on the ladder back chair," is a stated physical action involving Revis, so in this instance you would want to identify for the reader that Revis got up from the table, perhaps utilizing this movement to show his aggravation by indicating something such as he "pushed away" from the table] and he unplugged the coffee pot and rinsed it out. { More than likely the two were together, Holly and Scooter. He'd heard the rumors. He'd seen the signs but he pretended he hadn't. And he didn't want to talk about it. He could never make Luke understand why he hadn't already, figuratively speaking at least, shot Scooter – and Holly. He didn't fully understand it himself. There had been a time when he certainly would have, but now, the fact that even though his wife was sleeping with one of his employees, this was only mildly irritating. His marriage had ended years ago and Scooter Bannerman had had hadn't had anything to do with it.
[This is the end the line editing, but will give you a cursory idea of how this sort of activity on my part would apply to your material.] My final remarks follow:
Paula, at this time I would not recommend a line edit, but it would be prudent to have a professional read your manuscript. The reason for this is so the continuity of the entire story can be ascertained. Areas such as developmental arcs, transitioning of syntax, overall pacing, and the strength of the plot need to be ascertained. And if anything should need a little more work, you can complete the revision and then determine if a line edit is necessary.
The cost for a read and critique of your manuscript would be $1.00 per double-spaced page, with my page factored at 280 words. This means you can divide your total word count by 280 to determine the cost. I do require pages to be double spaced and numbered. After your receive the critique, should you determine that a line edit is desirable, I will credit you the entire fee that you paid for the initial reading critique.
In closing, thank you for enabling me the opportunity to preview your work. Whatever you decide to do or not do with regard to editing, your story appears to be a home run. My proofreader, who says she hasn't read a good Romance in quite a while, read your opening and wanted to buy the book. And that's no joke.
_____________________________________________
Here is Paula's complete opening chapter:
Come Hell or High Water
Chapter 1
Revis Kirkland pitched his wife's overnight bag into the trunk of her car and shut it.
She put her purse on the seat, then looked up at him. "Why are they all milling around?" she asked.
Revis glanced behind him. One of his ranch hands was "holding up the fence" while another pretended to mend it. Two more were standing outside their quarters.
"It's New Year's Eve, Holly. They're waiting for you to get on outta here so the party can start."
She huffed. "Don't let them tear up my house again."
He met her gaze straight on. "If you're so worried about it, stay home."
"Clean up the mess."
"We always do."
She eyed him up and down. Then, he knew, solely for the benefit of their audience, she kissed him briefly. He didn't return it.
She flashed him a "go to hell" look, got into the brand new 1958 pink Cadillac her daddy had bought her for Christmas, and drove away. He watched until the car disappeared in a dust cloud.
They rarely spoke to one another now – except to argue. She stayed busy, though, thank goodness. She'd recently bought a "boutique" (just to irritate her, Revis called it a dress shop) that catered to wealthy women. She kept the roads hot between the ranch, her store, and her parents' mansion in the nearby city of Wichita Falls.
She didn't take those long trips with her parents anymore though. He figured she'd learned her lesson about that.
Revis turned in time to see his life-long friend and foreman, Luke McKinney, carrying a huge pot into the kitchen.
"Come on, Boys, let's get this show on the road," Revis said and followed Luke inside.
The kitchen in the Kirkland home was huge, originally built to accommodate a crowd. It had abundant cabinets and counter space, two large refrigerators, a deep freeze, two commercial size gas stoves with roomy ovens, and a walk-in pantry.
All the hands only came in twice a year now--for a week in the spring and later for fall roundup.
A long table down the middle of one end of the room seated up to ten people. Another in the dining area could seat eight. On those two occasions, Revis, Luke and the veteran hands took over the dining area. The temporary hires stayed in the kitchen.
Most days, only the single cowboys, Jones, Spence, Jake and Colt ate here at the house. The rest were married and lived in homes on Kirkland land.
Revis didn't usually hire unmarried cowboys. Most of them were more trouble than they were worth. These four, however, had been with him several years and proven themselves able, dependable, and loyal.
Revis enjoyed nights like this with the cowboys. They brought laughter back to the house. He missed that.
With his son, Travis, attending a private school in Austin, the place had grown way too quiet.
Luke turned the fire on under his stew. "When's she gonna be back?"
Realizing Luke referred to Holly, Revis answered, "Who knows." He claimed his place at the table by hanging his Stetson on the ladder back chair. "Her daddy's having a big party."
"Scooter went to town. He won't be back 'til tomorrow," Luke said. "His little ole wife's home madder than hell."
Irritation swept through Revis as he unplugged the coffee pot and rinsed it out. More than likely the two were together, Holly and Scooter. He'd heard the rumors. He'd seen the signs but he pretended he hadn't. And he didn't want to talk about it. He could never make Luke understand why he hadn't already, figuratively speaking at least, shot Scooter – and Holly. He didn't fully understand it himself. There had been a time when he certainly would have, but now, his wife was sleeping with one of his employees was only mildly irritating. His marriage had ended years ago and Scooter Bannerman hadn’t had anything to do with it.
Jones and Jake came through the door, each carrying a stack of folding chairs.
"Do we need these in the kitchen or the living room?" Jake asked.
"Just four in the kitchen," Revis answered plugging in the coffeemaker.
"Boys'll be bringin' in the beer in a minute,” Luke said. “Might help ya relax a little bit. It's New Years' Eve for Christ's sake. Have some fun."
Revis spooned the grounds into the basket. "I might drink one later – but that shit depresses me the next day."
Luke laughed. "Boss, it ain't the beer that depresses ya – it's your whole life!"
"You got that right," Revis answered amiably although Luke's honesty rankled him sometimes.
"Ya know, Son, there ain't many men married to a knockout gorgeous woman like Holly an' all they can find to do with her is fuss."
"Well, if you think you can live with her, I'll move out and you can move in," Revis answered. "However, it's not you she wants to torture, it's me."
Luke took a full five seconds to get up the nerve to say, "Brought it on yourself."
"And I paid dearly for it," Revis snapped back.
"Yeah, Boy, you sure did." Luke's voice had gone gentle now.
When the coffee pot started percolating, Revis took plates from the cabinet and set them on the counter. He took out all the silverware and laid the various utensils next to a stack of paper napkins. He could feel Luke watching him.
Without facing the foreman, Revis asked, "When you went to town yesterday, did you see him?”
"I sure did. Comin' outta the grocery store with his mama."
Regret came suddenly and so strong it nearly snatched Revis' breath. Ruby's words echoed in his mind. ”Revis Kirkland, if you're not gonna marry me and be a full time daddy, then he don't even need to know who you are."
"I bet he's growing like a weed," Revis said softly.
"Well – not really," Luke said. "He's a scrawny little grasshopper – jist like you was when you was a little 'un. Looks more like ya ever time I see 'im."
"It's strange," Revis said quietly. "How you can run into someone you haven't seen in years – and that chance meeting changes your whole life.” He paused for a moment, then continued. “Then she just walks back out – and you hardly ever see her anymore." He gathered two sets of salt and peppershakers from the pantry and set them on the table.
"You ain't still carryin' a torch for her, are ya?"
"No." Revis took a moment to deal with the feelings of compunction before speaking again. "But I would like to get to know my kid."
Two of the hands walked through the kitchen to the living room.
"Where's that cornbread?" Luke asked. "And who was cookin' the peas?"
"On the way," one of them answered.
Revis opened the refrigerator and began setting out various seasonings. Luke glanced at him then continued stirring his concoction.
"Do you and Holly ever – you know – do it – anymore?"
Shocked, Revis looked around. The room was empty except for Luke and himself. "That's none of your damned business!" he growled.
Luke responded by being silent for a spell, stirring his stew quietly. "You might be settlin' in with this situation more than you should. Travis is gettin' to the age he'll make up his own mind about what happened between you and Ruby – one way or another – and you and Holly should start thinkin' about puttin' all that behind ya and gettin' on with your lives – whether it’s with each other or someone else.”
Revis didn't comment. He could hear the guys setting up card tables in the den. "Is he gonna let us play pool?" someone asked.
Revis smiled to himself when Jones, the youngest of them answered sheepishly. "He said we could if we promise not to get in another fight."
Revis had nightmares about last New Year's Eve. Cost him a pretty penny. Several of them had had way too much to drink, got in a fight over a pool game, broke the picture window, two cue sticks, three noses, and worst of all, several of Holly's expensive knick-knacks. He'd put all her stuff away this year, though – and laid some new rules – like eating before drinking. Nothing curbed a drunk better than a full stomach.
Having a party here at the ranch still seemed a better option than having to drive all over Kingdom Come looking for them, bailing some of them out of jail to get them back on the job the next day.
"What time is the band suppose to start?" Jake asked, holding the kitchen door open for his younger brother Spence, who carried three cases of beer.
"Nine o'clock," Revis answered.
Colt came in behind the brothers with a large pan of cornbread.
Hearing the familiar click and spew of a beer can opening, Revis turned and snatched the brew out of Spence's hand. "Not one drink until you've had dinner, Son," he said.
"I was gonna drink it with my meal."
Revis laughed. "You'll drink tea or coffee with your meal – and the food is ready – so load up."
Luke handed the boy a plate.
"Food ruins my buzz," the kid mumbled.
Revis winked at Luke. "That's sort of the point, Spence. I don't want to have to replace my picture window again tomorrow."
"I didn't do that!"
"I don't know who did it, but we're not gonna have a repeat of last year, so sit down and start grazin'."
Spence did as he was told, as usual.
One by one they drifted in. Revis watched to make sure they all ate plenty. Sometimes he tired of playing nursemaid to the hell-raisers among them, until it came time to work cattle – then he was thankful for each and every one. They were some the best cowboys in the state of Texas. They all took great pride in their work and in working for the Kirkland Ranch. And that was something Revis depended on – their loyalty to him and their dedication to the well being of his land, his livestock and his family.
After they'd finished eating, they pushed back their chairs but didn't move away from the table. Revis washed the dishes, Luke dried while they listened and laughed at the newest "it's so dry" jokes that had become popular because of the drought.
In a moment, after he'd put away the last fork, Luke barked, "All right, let's play poker!"
By eight o'clock, Revis had won all Luke's money, and his best horse and saddle. He'd managed to lose it all back to Luke by nine o'clock when the band arrived.
All the hands scrambled to help bring in the instruments. Revis busied himself putting away the portable tables so those who wanted to could dance.
A few people from town would come out, so he'd closed all the bedroom doors. He knew, though, that if someone got desperate, that wouldn't stop them. Something about that made him feel … lonely.
Where had his passion gone? He was only thirty-nine years old, but times like tonight, surrounded by all this young male energy, he felt like the oldest man in the world.
Glancing up, Revis saw a familiar pretty face. Amanda Bellah, Luke's daughter. His heart did a flip-flop.
"Hey," he said.
When she saw him she grinned. Both dimples showed. Her beautiful gray eyes sparkled with mischief. "Hey, Revis! Show me yours, and I'll show you mine."
He laughed at a brief memory of the two of them, just youngsters hiding in the well house. "You've already seen it," he teased in return. "Your dad didn't tell me you'd be here."
"Surprised him, too," she said.
Revis felt awkward. There had been a time when he and Amanda could sit and talk for hours. Something had changed the past couple of years. Now every time he saw her, his heart did that zinging thing, making him feel guilty and uncomfortable.
She wasn't pretty in the same way as Holly. Amanda had a natural look, shoulder length curly dark hair, very little makeup, no fancy clothes. She always wore Levis, usually with a baggy shirt that hid her curves.
Tonight, though, she had on a bright colored western blouse tucked in to snug jeans and he could see that she was one hundred percent woman. His imagination caused warmth to spread through him, just looking at her.
"Are you and your dad still fussing?" he asked.
"We aren't fussing. He wanted to keep Andy when I work – but it's just too far out here to come and get her when I get off."
"Where is she tonight?"
"She's at the sitter's. I was afraid it would get too rowdy for an eight year old."
Looking around she held up the male end of an extension cord.
"There's an outlet," he said and pointed.
"Will Mrs. K be joining us?" she asked as she knelt and pushed in the plug.
"No – she's gone to Wichita. Her parents are having a big to do."
"Why didn't you go with her?"
He chuckled. "After last year, I figured I'd better hang around here and keep an eye on things. So, who did you come with?"
She laughed and her dimples showed again. "The band, Revis. I'm with the band."
"Oh." He experienced one of those stupid feeling moments that came real often, now, when she was around.
"Seen my kid?" he asked.
"Not recently. He was coming home with Andy a couple of times a week there for a while but we don't see much of him since Ruby got married."
She motioned toward the living room. "I'd better get on in there."
As she started off, he said, "You look nice."
She curtsied. "Bought them at your wife's fancy boo-teke."
He laughed. "Liar." He knew she wouldn't be caught dead in Holly's top-drawer store.
She grinned and walked away. When the music began, Revis found an empty space out of the light and leaned against the wall to watch her.
Like Revis, Amanda was born on this ranch. They'd played together as youngsters, discovered the difference between boys and girls. They'd been best friends up until her parents divorced. She was twelve when she moved away with her mother.
Three years ago, she'd moved back to Burkburnett with a new last name and a five-year-old daughter.
She'd bought a few acres of land near Burk, had a horse of her own and boarded a couple more to help make ends meet.
She taught piano lessons during the day and at night, she played the fiddle in the band at the Cottonwood Lounge in Wichita Falls.
Revis admired many things about Amanda, her energy and independence in particular. There wasn't much she couldn't do and she never hesitated to do whatever needed to be done. Unlike Holly, she understood and accepted the complexities and sacrifices of ranch life.
Tucking the violin under her chin, she made it whine like a lonely faraway train, then she and the other musicians launched into “The Orange Blossom Special”.
Revis watched, fascinated. Her entire body was in motion. Her feet tapped, first one then the other, sometimes both as she put her heart and soul into the music.
It wasn't long before perspiration gleamed on her forehead. Her soft dark hair turned to shiny damp ringlets that bounced against her face keeping time with the quick movements of her hand as she drew the bow across the strings.
She seemed to be in her own world. Several times, he thought she caught his eye and he'd look away. But as soon as she redirected her gaze, his went back to her.
He was so mesmerized, he didn't notice Luke standing next to him.
"Son, you ought to go find something else to do." He offered Revis his house keys.
Irritated by the intrusion, Revis snapped at him. ”Did I appoint you my guard dog?"
"No – you didn't – but that's my daughter you're watching like you ain't et in a month o' Sundays – so go find something else to do."
Revis knew Luke was right. Feeling frustrated, embarrassed and cheated, he snatched the keys, pulled on his coat and went out.
* * *
What’s that all about? Amanda wondered as she watched the exchange between Revis and her dad. Clearly Revis was irritated as he grabbed the keys Luke dangled in his face. She felt a mixture of relief and disappointment.
Adding a long train whistle with her violin brought on the odd sensation of expressing her anguish. The upbeat notes that followed did little to raise her spirits.
She wouldn’t have thought in a million years that if she came back here she’d fall in love with Revis.
Sure, she’d loved him when she was three because he could hoist her up to steal cookies off the counter. She’d loved him when she was eight because he taught her how to get on a horse without any help, and then how to stay on.
She’d loved him because he could talk her mother into letting her do many of the things Mama considered “too dangerous for girls” like riding horses bareback and playing baseball with him and his friends.
And she’d loved him when she was ten because he whipped Ken Logan’s ass for pulling her hair.
Then her older sister, Sara, was killed, and her grief stricken parents divorced. Amanda was forced into a brand new world far from her dad and Revis and the ranch that she knew and loved.
Although she’d never had another friend like Revis, he wasn’t the reason she’d moved back here.
She wanted to raise her daughter in a less restricted environment. She wanted Andy to have the freedom to roam and explore her world. She wanted her daughter to learn to rely on herself, to grow up strong and confident. And she wanted Andy to know her grandfather.
None of that was possible living under her mother’s roof. So she’d packed everything she owned in her car and headed back to Texas.
Twenty-two years dims one’s memories, and although common sense assured her Revis had grown up, just as she had, she had never been able to picture him as an adult.
It came as quite a surprise that the plain boy she’d known so well as a child had turned into one of the most attractive men she’d ever seen.
With straight black hair, ebony eyes and deeply tanned skin, he was exceptionally handsome. His features were strong and rugged. He was tall and as straight as an arrow, slender yet powerful. There was something exciting about him, something challenging. He was one of those men comfortable with who he was and what he was about.
And when he looked at her, she felt all giddy and nervous inside.
She reminded herself often that he was not available. Knowing, however, that his marriage had serious problems gave her hope – but she had to keep that hidden from her father. He wouldn’t approve at all.
Taking a deep breath she added the last train whistle and the song ended to a cheering audience.
* * *
Revis spent the next three hours playing with the four dogs, and wandering between Luke's neatly kept house and the barns. He checked the water levels in the two wells, made sure all the troughs were full. With this accursed drought lingering on, they'd all learned to keep a constant vigil everywhere they went. He finally settled down in Luke's favorite chair and picked up the foreman's newest western novel. He couldn't concentrate on the story, though, and found himself wondering why in the world Holly had picked Scooter.
Scooter and his wife, Becky, had seemed like a happy couple when they first hired on four or five years ago. Revis let them have the two-bedroom house in the five thousand acre Ludlow pasture adjacent to the larger Duncan, northwest of Burkburnett. Scooter tended to the new Black Angus herd.
Becky was pregnant with their first child. After some complications with the pregnancy, the doctor had ordered her to stay in bed. Scooter ordered her to stay in bed, but every time he turned around she was up on her feet again, tending to Scooter's every need.
The baby boy was born sickly and died six months later. .
Everyone who worked on the ranch seemed like part of the family to Revis, and that included Scooter and Becky, so tiny little Bailey Martin Bannerman was laid to rest beside Luke's oldest daughter, Sarah, in the Kirkland family cemetery.
And that's when Scooter started drinking – and seeing other women. Holly wasn't the first. She was just the most recent, just as Scooter was for her.
Scooter was by far one of the best cowboys ever to work on the Kirkland Ranch. At twenty-five, he had an air of confidence not seen in many men. Revis had always liked that about Scoot. Revis had even thought the kid might eventually take Luke's place. That wouldn't happen now. The ranch couldn't have a foreman who wasn't completely trustworthy.
Revis had considered intervening for Becky's sake, but how would he go about it? He wasn't willing to fire Scoot. That would be like pitching the ranch and Becky out of the frying pan and into the fire. Wouldn't it? Surely the best thing to do was nothing. Just let it run its course and hope it would be a short one – like all the others.
After midnight, after all the ya-hoo's and yee-ha's had died down, and surely to God all the kissing was over, Revis walked toward the house.
The band was loading up.
He leaned against one of the hundred-year-old oaks that shaded the entire front yard in summer and watched Amanda move between the house and her car. He wondered who had kissed her when the New Year tolled.
He watched her hug her father, get into her car and drive away. He watched the lights of her vehicle until they disappeared in the distance.
A deep and powerful loneliness settle in. Damn it to hell! What was the use in living if you had no passion? Maybe he should get a divorce now. Maybe he wasn't too old and set in his ways to – to do what? Fall in love again? Find something to laugh about? Find someone to laugh with -- again?
He straightened and continued on to the house.
Luke and the four hands were already cleaning up. Revis picked up several bags of trash and headed out to the burn barrel.
___________________________________________ Robert L. Bacon
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