Memorandum of Arrangement by Paul F. Opening-Chapter Critique by Robert L. Bacon

Hello Paul,                                                                                         Page 1 of 2

Thank you very much for the kind words regarding my Newsletter.  I work hard to provide what I hope is credible information from which author's can find some benefit.  Now for my critique of your opening chapter.

First and foremost, your story sets up quite well, and as I read through the first chapter I was taken by the solid plot behind MEMORANDUM OF ARRANGEMENT.  I feel you've created a terrific storyline, and you've done a commendable job of motivating the reader to want to learn more about what has caused Jaidev Da Costo to be murdered, as well as how all the characters fit in.  Of greatest significance perhaps, Baldev comes across as the sort of character readers can get behind and root for as the story develops.  And you've crafted a perfect foil via his sister.  I'm also impressed with way you developed the intrigue surrounding Jaidev Da Costa as a businessman

The draft of the opening chapter you sent me, however, does have some issues, and here they are:

Some scenes need to be collated differently.  For example:  …A number of weeks prior to his death, Jaidev had given Baldev brief details of certain other business arrangements….  This should be expressed when you are first telling the reader about Baldev after his father's death.  Instead, you depict him as learning the business while knowing nothing whatsoever about his father's dual life.  He is not ignorant that something is not right with whatever it is his father is involved with, and learning the day-to-day operations are secondary to the critical information he is aware of, especially since one wrong move on his part and he can end up like his father.

On  page 14 you inform the reader that Sajani is part of the "organization."  Let her tell Baldev about this in the later scene and not by you giving the reader the information ahead of time.

I noticed one serious transitioning issue:  …'Remember Sajani our father was taking instructions from his brother-in-law, our Uncle, this is why the strange document ‘Memorandum of arrangement’ was brought out….  The reader knows nothing about the memorandum until this mention.  This scene needs to be changed so the plot element is transitioned smoothly for the reader.  (Also, among other things, this sentence needs to be punctuated differently).

There also must be proper story continuity:  …'Understand this Sajani if you are into illegal activities, which I can't believe my father was, you will get no help from me…. This timeline doesn’t fit, because it's obvious to the reader that Baldev's father was up to his eyeballs in illegal activity, and you've established this by innuendo when Baldev and his father met weeks earlier.  (This sentence also has all sort of problems with punctuation, and a misplaced modifier.)

Memorandum of Arrangement                                                              Page 2 of 2
by Paul F.

Opening-Chapter Critique
by Robert L. Bacon

I noticed a substantial number of punctuation issues in the text of this first chapter, but specifically the lack of commas in necessary locations, and I think your writing style would benefit from shorter sentences, especially since your syntax lends itself to a more Heminway-ish structure.  It won't take much to accomplish this, and I feel this would result in a more fluent narrative all the way around.  And a note on semi colons:  they are a great tool, but unless used judiciously they tend to slow the flow of sentences, which is never a good idea.  My suggestion is to use a period instead and start a new sentence.  Hence, once again, emulating Hemingway's crisp style.

Always provide a draft for editing with standard text alignment and never justified margins.

I spotted a lot of repeated words too close to one another, such as "additionally."  I made several revision suggestions with respect to this element on the three pages for which I provided a cursory line-edit.  Please look at this closely, as repeated words hinder the quality of any good read.

This also applies to repletion via phrases that say the same thing.  Again, you can refer to the opening three pages I worked on to see the changes I suggested.  I noticed this line later on …however his bearing was impressive, he had a certain aura….  The second phrase doesn’t amplify but repeats the meaning of the first.  Please be on the lookout for these occurrences.  Saying something once is almost always enough.

Don't use phrases such as "the fact that."  State the fact, don't tell the reader it is one.

What follows are the three pages I line edited, along with the same three pages in a "clean" format for easy comparison.  What I offered are simply suggestions to accept or refute.  But read your initial draft out loud, then the revised text, and see if the modifications don't improve the fluency of the prose. 

If you're considering approaching a major royalty publisher with this novel, I think you will have a much better shot at landing one if you work with a developmental editor and have your material line edited as well.  You can evaluate the benefit of line editing when you read what is to follow.

Paul, to reiterate what I said in the opening, I very much enjoyed your setup, and I think you've created an intriguing cast of characters that readers will enjoy following throughout your story.  Bravo all the way around on this good work!

Chapter One

Jaidev Da Costa was a big man, he towered above all. It was but not just due to his height. Because he was also ample around the girth as well., he always looked larger than he really was. Additionally, since he always wore oversized white kurta's, always white. He stood out, wherever he went; his presence could not be mistaken wherever he went.

   The white kurta contrasted with his olive skin and slicked black hair, which was always in never out of place, oiled and shiny just like Clark Gable's in his 1930's films. he additionally always had Another of Jaidev's traits was that he always could be found with a cigar.

   He could be seen on most days precisely at ten each morning, standing at Batuk Dua's roadside stall, sipping a large iced coffee.

   Of course you may wonder why he would go to Batuk's for his coffee, when the hotel opposite him, with its two bars, three restaurants and cake shop, all served iced coffee.  These were Iced coffee was most certainly available to him across the street, after all he was the manager, in fact since he was not only the manager but also the owner of 'The Goa Panaji International'.

                 

Jaidev Da Costa had been having a coffee at Batuk's for as long as anyone could remember, you may also ask,.  But why iced coffee,? Surely in Goa, India, there would have been  more exotic local refreshments, which of course it does have.

Jaidev preferred iced coffee, because his grandfather had introduced him to the refreshment it many years before, when he was a young man. From that day on his first exposure to it, the drink had had been his ritual. Batuk Dua's stall had started making iced coffee at that very time the same day when Jaidev had asked for it. if he served iced coffee, which he didn't, however the following day, iced coffee was available.

    Jaidev appreciated ingenuity and as his Batuk Dua's dictum was that if the customer wantsed it something, we he will would supply it. Jaidev appreciated Batuk's spirit for enterprise, and from that day on he had his morning coffee only at his stand.

    Now The locals referred to Jaidev locally was referred to as 'The Miramar Mountain', not just obviously because of his size and the fact that but due to his hotel's location on Miramar Beach, However, not that many locals townsfolk referred to the stretch of sand as such by the same name, as most called it by its original name Gasper Diaz, named the original handle given by the explorer Vasco Da Gama. Jaidev preferred Miramar, when translated from the Portuguese was meant '"view of the sea."' This translation extended to all the promotional material and advertising of for ‘The Goa Panaji International'. The buy line slogan was, "Located on Miramar Beach, all rooms have a view of the Arabian Sea, enjoy your stay'.

   On this particular morning Jaidev was not in his usual jovial frame of mind, Batuk had noted such when he arrived for his coffee,. he Jaidev was quite gruff, didn't he even speak to J.V. Sankaran, with whom he always exchanged pleasantries. Perhaps something was amiss between Jaidev and his wife family, Baruk thought. That wife of his would cause more than anyone a few headaches. And the daughter, well, she was a walking disaster, worse than the Southeast Monsoon. Batuk observed him from the moment he arrived and had a certain concern for Jaidev Da Costa, if had only known the real reason, his concern would have been so much greater.  [Don't tell the reader  any more about Baruk's thoughts than what you have already.  You've firmly established that Baruk is concerned for Jaidev and knows the man well.  This is more than enough to transition to the next scene.  You did an admirable job, now don't overdo it.  Also, be careful not to hint of imminent doom, as this takes away from the event when it occurs.]

He had hurried his coffee and left Batuk’s without a word. He seemed intent on some errand, thought Batuk as he Baruk watched him stride strode across the road.  The shot rang out just as Jaidev reached the entry concourse of The' Goa Panaji International';.

   The Chief Commissioner of Police stated in 'The Navhina Times.', "Whoever committed the shooting was a professional, it was one shot and between the eyes."

  

Chapter One

Jaidev Da Costa was a big man, but not just due to his height. He was also ample around his girth, and because of this he looked larger than he really was. Additionally, since he always wore oversized white kurta's, his presence could not be mistaken wherever he went.

   The white kurta contrasted his olive skin and slicked black hair, which was never out of place, and oiled and shiny just like Clark Gable's in his 1930's films. Another of Jaidev's traits was that he always could be found with a cigar.

   He could also be seen precisely at ten each morning, standing at Batuk Dua's roadside stall, sipping a large iced coffee.  Of course one may wonder why he would go to Batuk's for his coffee, when the hotel opposite him, with its two bars, three restaurants and cake shop, served iced coffee.  Especially since he was not only the manager but also the owner of The Goa Panaji International Hotel.

                

Jaidev Da Costa had been having a coffee at Batuk's for as long as anyone could remember. But why iced coffee? Surely, in Goa, India, there would have been more exotic local refreshments.

Jaidev preferred iced coffee because his grandfather had introduced him to it many years before, when he was a young man. From his first exposure to it, the drink had had been his ritual. And Batuk Dua had started making iced coffee the same day Jaidev asked for it.

Batuk Dua's dictum was that if a customer wanted something, he would supply it. Jaidev appreciated Batuk's spirit for enterprise, and from that day on he had his morning coffee only at his stand.

The locals referred to Jaidev as The Miramar Mountain, not just because of his size but due to his hotel's location on Miramar Beach.  However, not many townsfolk indentified the stretch of sand by the same name, as most called it Gasper Diaz, the original handle given to it by explorer Vasco Da Gama. Jaidev preferred Miramar, which when translated from Portuguese meant "view of the sea." This definition extended to all the promotional material for The Goa Panaji International Hotel, showcased by the official slogan: "Located on Miramar Beach, all rooms have a view of the Arabian Sea."

   When Jaidev arrived for his coffee on this particular morning, Batuk had noted that was not in his usual jovial frame of mind. He was gruff and didn't even speak to J. V. Sankaran, with whom he always exchanged pleasantries. Perhaps something was amiss between Jaidev and his family, Baruk thought. That wife of his would cause anyone more than a few headaches. And the daughter, well, she was a walking disaster worse than the Southeast Monsoon.

Jaidev hurried his coffee and left Batuk’s without a word. He seemed intent on some errand as he strode across the road.  The shot rang out just as Jaidev reached the entry concourse of The Goa Panaji International Hotel.

   The Chief Commissioner of Police stated in The Navhina Times, "Whoever committed the shooting was a professional, it was one shot and between the eyes." 

[Here is the remainder of the chapter, unedited.]

Jaidev had hit the marble floor, flat on his back, not one drop of blood on his Kurta, his hair was unruffled and a newly lit cigar was between his fingers still smouldering, when the first police arrived.    The whole of Goa was in a hubbub; Jaidev Da Costa was a respected businessman and philanthropist, giving much to the underprivileged, in fact, even building extensive housing developments, with low rents, which the poorer people could afford.    The Press came out with wide ranging reports: 'Leading business man killed by a jealous husband.' 'Local Mafia wants to take over the independently owned, International hotels.' 'Shot by disgruntled staff member.' The stories were played out to the fullest extent until after a week when new events occurred and there were better headlines, from that time nothing more was written. The Da Costa family however was still struggling with the death of the patriarch.    He had been dutifully buried in a solemn catholic service as was the custom of his family, every businessman and politician who had associated, paying their respects to Daya Da Costa his wife, his son Baldev, who was now taking over the family business much earlier than he had ever expected and daughter Sajani, her father’s undoubted  favourite.    The killer of Jaidev remained at large after a number of weeks, the Director General of the Goa Police himself regularly met with Baldev and his mother; however each conversation was much the same. 'I am so sorry Mrs Da Costa I have nothing new to report.' He was not even able to enlighten them regarding the type of gun the bullet had come from and no witnesses could be found, it was like a ghost had appeared in front of Jaidev, fired the shot then vanished into the Goan sultry morning air.   'However I'm pleased to report that I have established a most experienced team to investigate you husband’s death.' the Director General advised. 'Detective Inspector Sohan Majhi is in charge, he is a most competent man and I hope we will have better news next time I call.' Director General Chandrak Rajiv excused himself, leaving the family once again completely at a loss.    There was a certain resignation by the family, Jaidev did have enemies, he had been a strong advocate of slum clearing and housing redevelopment he had been accused of shifty deals on land acquisition, nothing was ever proved,but rumour just added enemies. Baldev having now moved into the position of Managing Director of the family business put these things aside, concentrating on the hotel and on further development plans, building on his father's established business.     Baldev was just as tall as his father without the girth, he had a modern hairstyle and he didn't smoke cigars, however his bearing was impressive, he had a certain aura. His father had trained him well, he was a good businessman. Jaidev had known that when the business was passed to his son; it would be in good hands.     With the sudden projection into the senior position of the company, Baldev had to spend many days and late nights catching up with the situation. His mother was continuously questioning him on the status of the business and what income she could expect. She was petrified of losing her status within the community and her lifestyle.     Baldev had established himself well with staff and within a week had a good hold of the business. Most areas he was familiar with. Since his return from University his father had briefed him well. Already he was considering the purchase of a smaller hotel further down the coast at Caranzalem Beach. His objective was, he told staff was to have a chain of superior properties in Goa, his mother Daya was delighted, her stipend had been increased, she was happy, even Baldev's sister Sajani had acquiesced. 'Father was so tight, not a rupee more would he give, even on special occasions.'    Baldev had seen and heard the family squabbles; he knew a few rupees extra would silence the women in his clan, which would give him freedom to develop the business in his direction, rather than the way of his father.    One month to the day of his father's demise, in the late afternoon a phone call was put through to Baldev, the Secretary had said it was quite urgent and from an international caller.    When answering Baldev thought the accent was quite strong, perhaps eastern European, it was certainly not an Indian speaking English.    'We had been waiting patiently for your father to complete his part in the cartel; he refused, we have waited one more year and now require some action to be taken immediately or there will be unfortunate circumstances.'    Baldev listened in silence; he did not reply or make any comment, just returned the phone to its cradle.    He had only returned to Goa within the last six months, prior to his father's death, having been at Amity University in Delhi completing a Bachelor of Commerce degree. His father was determined that he should have an in depth business education. This grounding had certainly been helpful, when suddenly being thrown into the family business. With his father’s death however Baldev was not wise to the world in to which he had be thrown, he had much still to learn.    A number of weeks prior to his death, Jaidev had given Baldev brief details of certain other business arrangements, at that time Baldev had not wanted to know about them. He wanted only to develop the hotels, which he realized even after the first briefing by his father, the hotels were just a front.     He had closed 'The Business' as his father had described the arrangement, from his mind, hoping it would not raise its head, now it unfortunately had. He would have to act whether he liked it or not, the phone call was about 'The Business’. He sat thinking for a minute or so after replacing the phone, never considering that members of the Business' would act so strongly.    Perhaps he needed to show his hand, he went to the small safe in the office, punched in the codes and removed a school exercise book. Only six pages were written on, it was the fourth page that he turned too, which was just a series of phone numbers, each with a country prefix, no names, no other information.  He went down to the fourth number with prefix seven and then 423 before, dialing an additional six digits. He was calling Vladivostok in Eastern Russia. There was some delay as the numbers rang through; eventually it was answered but there was just silence.    'Hello this is Baldev Da Costa, I believed you called.'    'It is good of you to reply, I hope you understand the situation we are in.'    'I do, and wish to make amends for my father.'    'I am sorry about Jaidev, I liked him much, but business comes before personal feelings.'    It was just as well Baldev could not be seen, he was shaking and sallow, revenge was in his mind this transcended to his physical appearance. He wanted to ask if his father’s death had been an execution by 'The Business' but decided he would wait.        He made no other comment, other than. 'I wish to meet as soon as is practical.'    'Can you be in Singapore on Friday the seventeenth?'    'Yes I can.'    'I will call you two days before the day and advise you of a meeting place.' the phone went dead.    Baldev got up from the desk replacing the exercise book, walked out and asked his Secretary to have the car arranged.     'I wish to go downtown.'     'Landscape Excelsior, Sandeep, to the Induslnd Bank.' Baldev instructed as got in the car.     Sandeep, the driver looked at him through the rear vision mirror. Baldev knew by the look he didn't have clue where he was going.     'I'll direct you; it's a small bank in the complex you probably didn't know it is there.' Sandeep gave an uncertain nod.     It was found without worry, so that Sandeep's nerves were kept at bay, the short journey had also calmed Baldev.     The bank had been chosen by Jaidev twenty-five years before, for a number of reasons, the branch in Goa was small, but had excellent locker facilities and with a main branch to the north, in the city of Mumbai, where an account was just one of thousands, in Goa Jaidev was too well known.     The instructions given to Baldev by his father were quiet specific. 'If anything goes wrong,' he had said, 'go to the locker, with in it, are a number of things. Firstly cash box with funds, but more importantly a folder with all details on our operation. There is a loose page with instructions, follow them precisely, contact only those that are under the heading 'Sentinel' and if you have had to access these instructions, be wary, be very wary my son.' Those last words were ringing in Baldev's mind as he sat down to study the items he had removed. After a long delay by the bank manager who was reluctant to let Baldev into the Bank locker vault. His excuse was he didn’t know Baldev, even though his credentials were checked.    Baldev had avoided accessing the locker since his father’s death and now wished he hadn't. The more he read the more he realised what 'The Business' was, an avenue for making very serious money. He spent some time going through the papers, then opened the cash box to find twelve sealed packs of American dollar bills, a thick wad of Rupees in high denominations, which he didn't even try to calculate, considerable he felt. He found the loose page his father had mentioned, in an old fashioned Accounts Record book. Looking under the column 'Sentinel' were a series of numbers with a letter beside each, they were indiscriminate and some letters were the same, he compared them with those in the exercise book, none compared.     This concerned him as his father had said all numbers he would need were in the book and that any contact initially would be from that list. Now the loose page seemed to be indicating that things were different.     He read through everything and other than the fact there appeared to be considerable amounts of cash, pages and pages of account details and lastly two passports made out one for a male, the second for a female, however in each there were no photographs. They were new with details of both being born in Goa the male in 1978 Baldev’s year of birth, the female in 1982 his sister Sajani's year of birth. Attached was a slip of paper with Baldev's father's precise handwriting 'If needed take to Gopal Pravil.' Who Gopal Pravil was Baldev had no idea.      All seemed a little strange, the account books particularly, which were just figures under two columns, Income and Expenses with no dates, the second column, Notations with just groups of letters. He studied one page and decided that they must be codes of some sort, for example the first heading under expenses was XHP/GS RP 206,000.00. He had no ideas and could find nothing additional to give him a clue about the paperwork, or anything else that was in the safe, so after a frustrating half an hour he packed it up and locked it away. No closer to understanding what 'The Business' actually did, he had Sandeep drive him back to the Hotel.     There was a light knock on the door, Sajani his sister entered. It was unlike her this time of day to be around the hotel, she would normally have been in one of the 'to be seen.' Restaurants or bars with many of her model and designer friends.     'This is a surprise Sajani, don't tell me you're going to meet here this evening and give our own business a boost.' Baldev commented as his sister slid into one of the guest chairs, even though it was his sister, he admitted to himself she was a very attractive woman.      'I see enough of this place Baldev; however I understand you have been to the Induslnd Bank.'      'Yes I have, I do wonder what business it is of yours and secondly how you were aware I had been there.'      'Let me say, I am kept informed on certain things particularly those I have an interest in.'       Baldev sat back not saying a word his mind spinning, suddenly realizing his sister may well know about the other business arrangements, this completely surprised him as he did not think his father would have confided in Sajani as well.       'My sister I think it may be time under the present circumstances for us to sit down and have a talk.' the phone rang at that very moment; he picked it up watching his sister warily.       Sajani was one of the many Indian girls who were brought up in a house having plenty of money, unlike millions of her sister's. She had been to the best schools, spent a year in Europe, eventually giving up the university education because of her looks and figure and had gone into modeling. She spent two years in Mumbai and was now contracted to two major Hindi magazines which meant that she only had to work occasionally and more often than not this entailed overseas assignments which were a perfect arrangement for her lifestyle. She had become very much involved in the Goan art and design world, additionally unbeknown to anybody but her father, was the fact she was one of the key personnel in 'The Business.'       Baldev came off the phone, it had been a mundane hotel matter, he was agitated, he wished to get to the bottom of Sajani and her involvement.       'What do you know of the special arrangements Sajani?'       'I could ask you the same? My brother, however I feel that straight answers are necessary. I have been working with our father for some three years. It is a very involved arrangement, I find it difficult at this moment to go into every aspect, however I will say that father appears to have not completed certain requirements which I find is most surprising.'      'Sounds to me, like he owed money.'      'It could be he just owed product.' She countered.      'Come on Sajani tell me what it is, what is the product, tell me everything you know, I feel a fool,' he said sitting upright, 'father appears to have been playing one against the other.'       'Not so, father gave me the 'The Business' to run, which I have for the last three years, you were not here, I didn't know however he'd briefed you, or had given you the combination and key to the locker and to be quite frankly I don't know why he did.' Looking at her brother, in a superior manner. Baldev noticed, it gave him a feeling of concern.      'Perhaps he told me, so that you could be kept honest.....'      She broke into his comment. 'Father wished to concentrate on the Hotels and become more involved in politics, he was in fact slowly divorcing himself from other activities, or so I thought, however he was starting to interfere, he was making things difficult.'      'Remember Sajani our father was taking instructions from his brother in law, our Uncle, this is why the strange document ‘Memorandum of arrangement’ was brought about, now we both questioned it at the time but we signed and to be quite truthful I still do not know exactly what I means, however now that father is dead we are tied to following the memorandum.  I checked, memorandum the word means, a record of a legal agreement which has not yet been formally drawn up and signed. Now the word arrangement has a number of meanings, one is a plan for a future event or an agreement to do something'.     ‘Baldev it was a fantasy by old men, rather than write a will, as normal people do, they came up with this memorandum rubbish. You just said it is a memorandum, which is a legal agreement not yet signed, and we did sign, so does that make it now a legal document, who knows and I don’t care.’     ‘Well I’m going to have a very close read of the all of the clauses, as I have a strange feeling about it. Our uncle Maneco, I don’t trust, he’s elderly and starting to lose it, but he’s very cunning, this was not done as a whim or fantasy, I would like to find out why.’     'I think it's irrelevant Baldev, what does it matter, he will pass away soon and  so will mother, my task is to run 'The Business' yours the hotels, so let’s leave it like that.'     'I do wish, you would tell me what the business is. What you sell, buy or whatever. Knowing you and your arty friend’s and their world I suppose its drugs.'     She just looked at him, got up and walked to the end of the desk staring down at him, and very quietly said. 'It is not and you will not find out what this business is and just so you know, as far as your trip to Singapore is concerned I will go in your place.'    'How did you know about Singapore?'    'I heard the phone call'    'Did you, and how may that have been?'     She just shrugged, with the suggestion of a smile crossing her face. Baldev suddenly realised he did not know his sister at all, she was someone he did not recognise. He had a terrible thought about their father; many questions were running though his mind.     He made an immediate decision, he would let her get on with the business, but from now she was to have a shadow, he wanted to know everything.  He presumed Sajani did not know that he had emptied the locker of all its contents, which were now being  held in the Office safe. He would return it all first thing in the morning; the night was going to be spent scrutinising and photo copying.     'Well if you're going to do the bidding of whoever it is in Singapore, go to it my sister. I'm very happy working the hotel business.' With that he stood and went to the end of the desk, he towered over her.     'Understand this Sajani if you are into illegal activities, which I can't believe my father was, you will get no help from me.'     She looked him hard in the eyes. 'I didn't expect any help from you, in this business you wouldn't have the tenacity or the fortitude, you are too much the University gook with no experience in the real world.' She turned the left, when at the door she gave him a fleeting smile. 'Watch how you go my brother; it's a very big world out there.'    

THE SECRETS OF THE FAE Opening-Chapter Critique by Robert L. Bacon

The Secrets of the Fae
By Emma B.

Critique by Robert L. Bacon

November 18, 2010

Hello Emma,

Before you read the revised draft, here are the issues I noticed with THE SECRETS OF THE FAE that need attention:

1)  Overall, other than sometimes getting all "caught up" in your narrative and not writing what I'm certain it is you wanted to make clear for the reader, punctuation is your number-one problem area.  Specifically, the incorrect and overuse of semi-colons, and improperly punctuated dialogue attributes. 

To the latter issue, attributes always need a comma, not a period.  "Go to him," I nodded, should be "Go to him," I said and nodded. or "Go to him."  I nodded.  But never the first example, "Go to him," I nodded.  A physical act, as in nodding, is not a speaker attribute such "said" or "asked." 

Attributes (meaning, something "attributed" to someone's speech) always require
a word that identifies what the speaker did from the perspective of declaring, questioning, etc., such as the word said as in he said, or asked as in he asked, or words that modify these attributes (called adverb attributes; i.e., the word softly in
she said softly).  Regardless of the construction, for something to be attributed to a speaker--thus identifying the speaker for the reader--this requires a comma and not
a period.  Always!

2)  Many writers have the tendency to repeat words too close to one another, thus making them stand out. This is why "fresh" eyes are so important.  Early in your draft, I noticed uncomfortably and uncomfortable a sentence or so apart.  As I worked through the draft, there were many such instances, with another close set I remember involving the word vulnerable.  As you'll see, I provided substitutes for these sets of redundant words.

3)  Alex should always be attractive to the reader, therefore she would never grunt, she groans; she doesn't pop her joints, she flexes her legs, etc.  You'll see how I suggested attending to this when you read the revised text.

4)  Write in active and not passive voice almost all the time.  I noticed you slipping into passive voice in a few areas of your narrative.  This stifles writing in many ways, since this also doesn't enable you to show the action, which is almost always advantageous to telling the reader what's happening.

5) I want to encourage you to use more contractions in your dialogue  Read your material out loud to see how it fits with the way you want your characters to sound.
If a contraction works better, use it.  I understand that you need your characters to speak in a specific way, but from a perspective of pitch, it's important to determine if
a contraction sounds best.                                            

6)  An agent or publisher is going to advise you to use more interior monologue to break up your longer runs of dialogue, something such as I did when I inserted a little humor at the end in one of Paralda's exchanges.  I offered this for you to consider: Paralda said in a not too pleasant tone, even for telepathy.

7)  Don’t tell what's going to happen beforehand.  This is a really big deal, since it takes the edge off the ensuing action.  You'll see the sections I deleted from your narrative where this occurred.  Again, this is hugely important.

8)  Consistency is critical.  Alex can't set the time in the loop for ten seconds in one scene and then tell Paralda in a later scene that she set it for an hour.  This is the only instance in which I think I noticed this, but please check you entire draft for this sort of miscue.

In what you will soon be reading, when I deleted words or phrases in your narrative,
I did so instead of using a strikethrough.  Then I highlighted the suggested revised
text in yellow.  In this way, once you've seen where the revisions are located and compared these to your original wording--if you want to do so, since this is a Word document--you can simply highlight the entire narrative in yellow and then click the yellow icon in the editing box to delete all highlighting.  My clients tell me this a lot easier than having to delete every strikethrough.

Here is your draft with my suggestions for your consideration: 

[A note to readers:  What is highlighted in yellow is text I revised and not material to be modified]  

1

I could think of more than a dozen things I would rather be doing on a Saturday night, which all involved my vampire boyfriend Xavier, who was currently busy overseeing the domain of a vampire leader who had been killed, something that wouldn’t have happened if it hadn’t been for me.  I hadn’t seen Xavier for what seemed like a lifetime, and I only had myself to blame.

I shifted uncomfortably in the darkness trying to stretch muscles that had started to seize.  I groaned as I tried to straighten my right leg for the tenth time.

“Alex, you need to be quiet,” Paralda whispered in my ear.

Paralda and I were currently hiding in the hypogeum system of the Colosseum in Rome.  Paralda, my ally and leader of the Sylphs from the Fae realm, was sporting the 6-feet-tall goddess form she used when entering the mortal realm.  Apparently when your true height is 3-feet, including wings, you like a bit of extra room when you play the mortal.  Yet she still appeared more squeezed in that larger space than what my 5-feet 4-inch tall frame allowed me in mine.

Paralda started inching her way along the aqueduct that had been used during the Colosseum’s heyday to flood the arena.  I followed closely behind, trying not to make any noise.

I may be High Priestess for the Fae realm, and now the leader of the vampire contingent of the mortal world thanks to my being in a relationship with one of them, but stealth and combat were definitely not my strong suits.  I reminded myself of this as we crawled through the narrow space that Paralda and I decided was the best route for getting to Dante and all of us back home safely.  And I didn't mind the effort , since what we were going through was nothing compared to what he was experiencing.

Dante, my grandfather and Sylph, was currently being held and tortured by a faction that was tied to Raoul, a rogue area-leader, who with his league of vampires had been causing trouble for the Fae. I had subsequently killed him; well, my pet offensive ward, Draco the Dragon, had killed him.  When it happened I had just screamed like the girl I was.

I tried using my power again to get into Dante’s mind.  I had succeeded several times in the past day to enter it briefly, but it was chaotic and didn’t contain many coherent thoughts.  Just pain!  I couldn’t reach his mind even though he was close by.  He must have been under again.  I wouldn’t allow myself to think we were too late.  I had panicked the first day when I was in his mind and suddenly I had been cast out.  Paralda explained he had probably lost his ability to remain cognizant, and even as powerful as I might be as High Priestess, I cannot enter a comatose mind. 

It had taken me over 24 hours to get enough information out of Dante’s tortured mind to track him to this area.  The hypogeum system of the Colosseum was a vast network of tunnels and cages that all looked the same, and pinpointing his exact location was proving difficult.  I continued to try to communicate telepathically with Dante, but he was either too weak or in too much pain to respond. 

Paralda led us from the main arena through the aqueduct to the tunnels below.  Her dark silhouette suddenly disappeared in front of me, and I heard a soft thud and a hiss below.  I crawled forward on my stomach and peered into the hole in which Paralda had just fallen.

I giggled as she was wiping red dust off her rear end.  She looked up and scowled,  motioning for me to join her quickly.  I jumped into the hole and landed on the ground next to her.  I stretched the full length of my body, trying to ease the kinks that the aqueduct had caused.

But before I even had time to flex my legs, Paralda grabbed my hand and dragged me to the back of a cage that was hidden in the shadows.  Paralda and I stopped breathing, and we listened for any noises of anything or anyone approaching that would indicate we had given away our position.  We remained in this state for a long time but nothing happened.

Paralda let out her breath and I followed suit and relaxed.  We obviously were not close enough to be discovered yet.  Paralda grabbed a water bottle out of her backpack and took a drink and handed it to me.  I took a quick mouthful and handed it back.

“So what do we do now?” I asked in a low voice.

“When we find them," Paralda said.  You have to use your mind control to subdue however many there are so we can get Dante out safely.”

I concentrated but it wasn't working.  “I don’t know who has him, so I can’t visualise their minds.  We need to get close enough so I can see Dante.  His thoughts, when I get to them, are too chaotic.  I have only seen one face clearly in his mind.  The others are fuzzy, but I think there are at least three.”

“If you can see them, do you think you will be able to subdue them simultaneously?” Paralda asked.

“Sure,” I said and nodded. “If they're all essentially doing the same thing, I can control as many minds as I want.”

Roman, my trainer and Paralda’s brother, had been helping me fine tune my mind control skills, and I was getting pretty good at it.

“So how are we going to find them?” I asked.

“Thanks to you, we are now close enough that I can find him by scent.” Paralda said.

“You can smell him?” I asked.

Paralda smiled. “Vampires aren’t the only ones who can track someone through a blood bond.  You should be able to sense him as well, maybe even better than me, since Dante is your grandfather.”

I shuddered as I looked around at my surroundings; the Colosseum was cold, dark, and really spooky.  “I can’t smell anything except dust and mould,” I said.

"You can sense the history of this place and feel the presence of pain and death too," Paralda said.  Mortals would call it a haunted feeling.  Don’t rely on your five normal senses.  Use your sixth sense, the feeling in your mind and soul.”

I thought about her words and glanced around again.  She was right, I could feel the presence of all the death, pain, fear, and hatred of the place.  I tried to concentrate on those things. 

      In the centre of all this was what I can only describe as a hot spot.  It was like a small place burning more brightly in the middle of all the pain.  I moved towards the entrance of the cage and the spot pulsed to my movement.  I turned right and continued down the tunnel.  And though the spot still seemed to beat like a heart, it had started to cool and burn a little less brightly.  I turned around and headed the other way through the tunnel, and the hot spot again picked up its intensity.

“I think Dante is this way,” I said.

“Good girl, you can feel it," Paralda said.  "Scenting is not really using your sense of smell.  That's just an easy way to describe it.  It's more like following an essence."

With each step I took inside the tunnel, I could now feel the hot spot pulsing stronger and brighter. Paralda and I moved slowly and cautiously, and stopped when we heard movement and muffled voices ahead of us.

As High Priestess, I had control over who could come into my mind, and when I felt Paralda pushing on the shields around my brain, I let them down so she could enter telepathically, another perk of being of Fae descent.

Be careful.  If we can hear them, they can definitely hear us, Paralda said in my mind.  No more talking, and take care to be as quiet as possible.  Keep the connection open between us so we can speak telepathically.  I nodded in agreement and we again moved slowly through the tunnel, keeping to the darkest of the shadows.  We were both dressed in black combat gear and we pulled the hoods down over our faces so we were virtually invisible.

 Luckily, the scent of blood and urine that was emanating from the room ahead of us was very strong, otherwise I suspect the vampires holding Dante hostage would have been able to smell us approaching.

Paralda pulled me to the wall, and we peered around the corner into an open cage that was larger than other cages we also saw.  I suspected this was the room the gladiators had used to practice their fighting skills before entering the main arena.  I opened my mouth to scream, but Paralda clamped a strong hand over it.

I was looking at a makeshift torture chamber complete with a rack.  There were various torture weapons on the wall, some I recognised and some were too damn weird and I didn’t want to know what they would be used for.  Dante was stripped naked and tied to the rack.  His head leaned to the side and there was blood covering most of his body.  Five vampires stood in the room with him.

“What are we going to do, Radu?" one of the vampires asked.  "Raoul should have been in contact by now.  We need to know what to do with him.”

“I need to go and see what is going on," another vampire, who looked vaguely familiar to me, answered him.  He continued, "Raoul should have left some instructions.  Something must have happened.  Keep him alive until I return.”

Oh my, that is Radu.  I have heard of him but never seen him before.  He is Vlad’s brother, Paralda said in my mind.

What the hell is Vlad’s brother doing torturing Dante? I asked, now realising why he looked familiar.  Vlad Basarab was the original Dracula and an area leader who I had become friends with whilst trying to stop Raoul.

Vlad and Radu are enemies.  They have been since they were mortal Paralda said, You need to subdue them all now, before Radu leaves.

I closed my eyes and visualised the vampires in front of me.  I considered them asleep and sent the thought towards them.  I placed the visions in each vampire’s mind, but nothing happened.  I started to panic.

What is wrong Alex?  You need to subdue them quickly, Paralda said.

I tried, it's not working.  I sent a visualisation of them asleep, and I know it entered their minds.  I felt it.

Vampires don’t sleep, Alex, you know that.  You can’t use something that is physically impossible for them to do Paralda said in a not too pleasant tone, even for telepathy.

Well, what do you suggest I do? I asked, at a loss of how to keep the vampires occupied.

Paralda shrugged.  I don’t know, but we need to come up with something quickly before Radu heads this way.

Hang on, I might have something, I said.

I wondered whether I could visualise the room remaining the same as it is now, but without us  in it--when in fact we were--like what occurs when a security camera is set on a loop that shows something earlier and not what is happening in real time.  I suggested this to Paralda and she said to give it a go.

I imagined the room from the previous hour, with time running over and over again,  and I sent the vision to the vampires' minds and shrugged.

I’ve done it, so now I suggest we just walk in there and see if it worked.  I had said this in Paralda’s mind with much more confidence than I really felt.

Paralda nodded and grabbed my hand.  We walked slowly into the room until we were in front of Radu.  He looked straight through us, at the entrance that we had just come from.  This confirmed he was on the loop and wasn’t going to be able to do anything to us.  The other vampires were watching Radu and didn’t notice us either.  I let out a sigh of relief.  Paralda removed herself from my mind and we resumed communicating normally.

“How long did you set the loop for?” Paralda asked.

“An hour, do you think that's long enough?” I asked.

Paralda nodded.  “Come on, let’s get him out of here.”

Paralda and I hurried over to Dante and started untying him from the rack.  He groaned but did not open his eyes.  We placed his arms on our shoulders and dragged him out of the chamber.

It was slow going through the tunnel, as Dante was dead weight and unable to help us at all.  The height difference between Paralda and I didn’t do any good either, and I cursed the 6-foot fairy about her choice of height as we stumbled down the tunnel towards the entrance to the main arena.

It took us nearly half an hour just to get out of the hypogeum system.  Once we were in the main arena, it was a little easier to move because there was more room, but we still had a ways to go to get to the portal site in Rome. 

Paralda had called Roman telepathically when we had started back through the tunnel, and he met us at the entrance to the Colosseum.  Roman picked Dante up and carried him fireman-style.  Dante groaned when Roman had lifted him over his shoulder, but we couldn’t afford to check his injuries now.

Paralda, Roman, and I made our way back to the Ulpia Basilica where the Fae line- portal was.  By the time we got there, our hour of grace had passed by a few minutes.  I looked around nervously as Paralda opened the portal.

Five minutes later we were in the Fae realm and the portal was shut.  I sank to my knees on the floor of the Fae forest and tried to stop shaking, not only from the Fae line- travel, which I was still trying to get used to, but from the nerves I had been trying to keep in check whilst we rescued Dante. 

Fae line-travel is unlike anything I have experienced before.  Imagine a dark tunnel filled with smeared lights all around that gives you the impression of flying at a million miles an hour.  You have a sense of weightlessness and you cannot tell whether you are right side up or not.  If you can handle that, then you have an idea of what Fae line-travel is like. 

I felt my equilibrium settle and let out a big breath.  Paralda converted back to her    3-foot-fairy form.  Her silver wings caused a cool breeze on the back of my neck as she came down next to me.

‘We did it, Alex," Paralda said, while rubbing soothing circles on my back.  "Dante is home."  She turned to Roman.  "You can you take him to the infirmary.  Alex and I will catch up.” 

Roman nodded and picked up Dante.  Roman had kept his 6-foot form that he used in the mortal realm and this made it easier to carry Dante, who was in no condition to change back to his lighter fairy form.  Roman cradled Dante gently to his chest and disappeared into the forest.

“We only just made it,” I said.  "If Radu had found out Raoul was dead, I don’t think Dante would still be alive."

 “Yes, our timing couldn’t have been better.  I'm glad Vlad wanted to keep Raoul’s death quiet for a little while or we may not have got him back,” Paralda said.

“So Radu is really Vlad’s brother, I mean, not just vampire brother but mortal brother too?” I asked.

“Yes, Radu is Vlad’s younger half-brother.  They have the same father but a different mother,” Paralda said as she nodded.  “Radu held the throne of the Ottoman Court while Vlad held the throne of Wallachia.  Vlad launched successful guerrilla attacks against Radu’s armies but could never get to Radu himself.”  Paralda paused and smiled at the wood nymphs that were listening to her story. 

“Vlad’s older full brother, Mircea, was killed in 1447 by boyars from Tigoviste.  They burned his eyes out with red hot pokers and buried him alive.  His being buried alive actually ended up saved him.  He was turned, and started his life as a vampire, which Vlad didn't know anything about.  Vlad then spent the rest of his mortal life trying to avenge his older brother’s death, which he blamed on the Ottoman Court and Radu.  But Radu died in 1475 before Vlad could avenge Mircea’s death"

“So they are true enemies even in death?” I asked.

Paralda nodded.  “When Vlad was fatally wounded during a battle in 1476, Mircea turned him, and Vlad found out that Mircea had already turned Radu the year before.  Vlad’s hatred of Radu burned so deeply, even though all three were now immortal, and Mircea did not blame his youngest brother for his death, Vlad could not bring himself to forgive Radu.”

“Vlad has a very interesting family tree,” I said, running a shaky hand through my hair.  I took a deep breath.  “I know why Raoul used Radu to torture Dante.” 

“You do?”  Paralda asked, her eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Vlad’s gift is mind control.  If he can capture your gaze and hold it, he can make you tell him what he wants to know.  And a vampire’s unique gift is passed on by blood, so if Mircea turned both Radu and Vlad, they'd all share the same gift.”

“So Radu could control Dante’s mind and find out whatever he wanted?”  Paralda asked.

I nodded.  “Radu probably knows quite a few Fae secrets now.”

Paralda stood up and held her hand out for me.  “We better go and check on Dante.”

We started walking through the Fae forest, and back to Paralda’s castle in the Province of Light.

__________________________________________________________

Robert L. Bacon
theperfectwrite.com

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